Tyra Hates the Good Little Bad Girl

Someone must be approaching their high school reunion, because it’s "Back to School, Back to Cool" week in Tyra Land. Featured girls in this episode are Jaselene, who is having trouble being away from home or missing her mother or some crap like that; Natasha, who's having some issues with the whole English thing; Renee, who seems hellbent on starting shit with everyone who isn't her kid; and Samatha, who is miss whatever it is that makes Alabama so effing rad. The first Tyra mail clues the girls that they are doing something that babies learn how to do. Since babies are only good for crying (which all these bitches are good at), defficating, and sucking the life out of everything that I hold dear, the girls correctly guess that it is the walking lesson. Usually walking lesson means Ms. Jay in ridonkulous outfits. This week we are treated to Band Master Jay, School Marm Jay, and Drag Prom Queen Jay. Lesson the first: walk. Lesson the second: walk with two other girls. It doesn't seem that hard, but some of the girls struggle with the "choreography" of walking in a line, then stopping, then cross over, then walking back. Natasha stuggles because the only works she can understand in English are "Martian" and "mouse and squirel." Jaslene doesn’t take orders too well, and decides since she walks "all day, everyday" she'll just do whatever the hell she wants. This episode's challenge is a prom themed runway show with each girl wearing three prom dresses: contemporary, 80s, and ghetto fabulous (i.e. tranny whore). Due to the quick editing, it’s kinda hard to tell who does well. There's some walking, pointless posing, sashaying, and a whole lot of colliding. Apparently, Britney does well enough to impress the guest judge and she is deemed the winner. Her "prize" is a giant trophy with a heel on it. Our prize is watching an eager and smiling Jaslene being told that she is the worst walker in the history of humanity. You can see her face fall frame by frame and it is tragi-larious.

Back at the house, Renee baits Jaslene into bitching about her poor performance. Jaslene also hears Felicia talking about her disappointment which causes her to freak out and confront Felicia in the bathroom. Fucking Renee remarks that Jaslene is crying in the telephone room, which highlights that bitch's hypocrisy since she's only done two things since she's been on the show: crying and being a fucking cunt. Natasha decides to make the Tyra-mail an E.S.L. lesson. The blank stares of her housemates and cricket sound effect #2 tells us that failed miserably.

This week's photoshot is high school cliché. There are still too many girls to write about so here's a mass recap. Renee gets pissed that other girls get relatively easy assignments, which is true: Sarah (flirt), Jael (nerd)), Cassandra (cheerleader), Dionne (bad girl), Whitney (mean girl), Brittney (valedictorian), and Diana (class president) are relatively safe. But Renee chooses Samantha (bad rep/slut) and Jaslene (weirdo) to bitch about. First, Jaslene's makeup/outfit made her look atrocious and Samantha was so uncomfortable looking like a hoochie. Also, Fucking Renee bitches about Jael and Sarah being at her shoot, but that doesn’t stop her from watching other girls' shoot. Ugh. Fucking Renee. Natasha fails to understand the concept of teacher's pet and pretty much screws up another photo shoot.

At panel, Jaslene and Felicia's photos get mad raves. Jaslene brings up the house drama, which causes Renee roll her eyes at no one in particular. Tyra basically tells her "Suck it up, chica!" Natasha gets criticized for her horrible photo shoot. Mr. Jay compares her to season 3's Ann who also was a pretty girl who could not take direction to save her sweet Eva-luvin' ass. Natasha quite good naturedly turns the criticism into a compliment and counters that Ann was one of the better looking girls that season. If Natasha were on Heroes, her special powers would be to squint and turn critiques into compliments.

The order of pictures doesn’t really matter, since Renee (whose picture was kinda terrible) gets her print before a lot of much more deserving girls. Jaslene gets hers first. The bottom two are: Natasha and Samantha. Apparently, there’s still some more of Natasha's whole mail order bride/fish out of water story to exploit because she is given a reprieve. Sam's little dang-nabbit stomp is kinda cute. Pity, because Samantha was one of the nicer and prettier girls this cycle. Ah well, we all know that pretty won't cut it in this world.

Next week: Makeovers! The never-before-mentioned rivalry between Renee and Brittney heats up and something terrible happens to Jael. (and she gets some terrible news over the phone.)

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Last but not least, Idol Chatter is finally back!! YAAAAY!

And now, just for funsies, check out these Tyra dolls:

Tyra, circa 1990:

And the Tyra of today:
Thanks to the awesomely gorgeous Rachael for the links!

And here's the video we were talking about during the hate shoutouts:

xoxo,
Aaron Beep, Amy Beep, Javier Beep, Max Beep, and Scotty BEEEEEP!!!