Tyra Hates the Soundbite Potential

Welcome back to yet another cycle of America's Next Top Model. Back for another season of vagina arms, bitch's classing, the awesome gayness (or gay awesomeness) that is the Jays and the dashing (or smarmy) Nigel. Since the CW (formerly UPN) always releases the final thirteen girls before the pre-show, I won't even bother fully recapping it. Vying to be the next big thing in modeling since CariDee include a chatty Cathy, a pink tutu, a Russian mail order bride, a repossessed weave, two plus-sized girls, a human canvas, and a subdued (well, subdued for her) Jaslene. Girls meet, girls bitch, bitches get sent home. Of these, the blabbermouth (Dionne), the tutu (Jael), the Ruskie (Natasha), the big girls (Diana and Whitney), and the Jaslene (Jaslene) make it to the Top Model house with their newest best friends, or worst enemies. The House this season is based on the History of Top Model. In addition to the ubiquitous Tyra shots, the house is decorated based on the previous winners. I'm sure the Yoanna room has a barf bag and toilette, the Eva room has some L Word dvds and flannel, and the Naima room has massive amounts of ennui. No word if she-who-must not-be-named has a room. Since it's still the first week, the only stand out personalities (i.e. girls I already hate) are Sarah, who is more Melrose than Melrose, and Renee, the 20 year old two faced bitch who won't shut up about the infant she loves so much yet abandoned to be on a reality show on the CW. Did I mention she was a bitch? The first challenge brings the girls to a local Goodwill that involves a patented ANTM three minute challenge to pull an outfit out of thin air. As Kathleen observes, they are dealing other people's crap. Not literally. I have to give the girl props for the correct use of the word "literally." (“i.e., me.” – Amy) Even some of my college educated friends manage to misuse that word, literally. After the frenzy, the girls have to strut their outfits down a runway for an auction with an audience consisting of a few old people, a couple of gays, and one recurring guest star on Gilmore Girls (synergy). The girl whose outfit gets the "highest" bid wins. The "big" winner is Jael whose "prize" is getting the sign the $286.50 check. That's a lame turnout, ladies. Fuck, Ms. Jay's foundation probably cost more that that.

Sigh.

Jael's victory must have tuckered the poor girl out because she's sick as we go to this week’s photoshoot. Not one to shy away from controversy, this first photo shoot is based on opposite beliefs. Thanks Top Model, for characterizing these polarizing political times with a photo-shoot done by Nigel and his boner. Still too many girls to write about individually, but let’s just say the overall consensus is "meh." Apparently, hula-hoops have restorative abilities in Jael's mind. (I get the feeling that "in Jael's mind" will be a phase I use a lot this cycle) Panel. Judges. The Twigster. Prizes. Tyra in a bandanna. This week's photos aren't great. They’re not bad, but most of them are not good. Jaslene (executionix) and Britney (pro Anna Wintour) do pretty well. Felicia (Baby Ty Ty) also does pretty will with her traditional marriage shot. Samantha (gay marriage) gets raves, but she is already being fingered with the dreaded pretty but boring tag. She's like a prettier version of Meggg. In the middle are the hefties, Whitney (pro Ellen and Portia) and Diana (pro Lara Croft:Tomb Raider) Disappointing this week are Sarah (life in prison) and Rene (anti-gun). Jael apparently doesn't want to do well because she wants people to like her. In Jael's mind (see?), people love losers. Best moment of the entire episode: Kathleen's lame anti-fur photo leads to her hilarious theory of where fur coats should come from.

(Awww. Simba sad.)

So the first bottom two are Jael and Kathleen. Even though neither of these girls are going to be joining MENSA anytime soon, they both seem nice and are pretty entertaining to watch. Jael is given another chance and Kathleen is sent back to Crooklyn. She actually seems pretty cool about it and is grateful that Tyra thinks she has potential. Jeez, I would have kept her around for a few weeks just for her bromides and observations. Next week: Sarah flashes some little boys her little boy boobies and Jaslene has meltdown numero uno!

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Titbits:

Aaron made a cool new site for his job...like tv guide, but better. Here it is, COUCHVILLE!

Don't forget to visit our forum (hosted by The Planet podcast)! It's been getting old and rusty since the end of cycle 7, but I hope to start it again for cycle 8.

Some NSFW pictures of Jael here. (Thanks, Becky!)

Check out this exciting new blog by a fellow listener!

Picture of one of our fan's sister:

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