Tyra Hates the Shnoz of Gold

Time for my favorite time of the cycle: MAKEOVERS! But before we get to the vast improvements, let’s talk about the drama. Previously, we have not seen or heard too much of Brittany, other than she apparently can walk and take great photos. Apparently, she is also a bit of a whiny, crybaby brat who is constantly complaining. I guess Renee's maternal instincts haven't kicked in just yet, because she is constantly bitching about Brittany's bitching. Brit-brit is also getting on the rest of the girls' nerves as well, because both of the big girls are also annoyed with her. The latter even going so far as to call her out on it. Not in the bitchy way Renee does, but more in a "I like you and all, but I'll give you something to cry about if you don't shut the fuck up." We also learn that Cassandra is relatively nice, normal person who is trying to be competitive but still friendly with the rest of these girls. Her days are pretty much numbered (Spoiler.)

The girls go to a salon and Tyra uses her "acting" skills to segue into a montage of girls hating their makeovers. These ungrateful bitches go all the way back to the days of yore when Top Model was still shiny and new on the waning UPN. Here a bit of a breakdown: Diana goes lighter, Sarah goes darker, Cassandra gets a frizzy 'fro, Renee goes shorter (I was hoping she'd get decapitated), Jaslene gets trimmed and volume, Whitney gets extensions and volume, Felicia goes darker, longer, and with bangs, Dionne gets Kelis style short do, Natasha goes for heavy bangs and chocolate brown. The two most drastic and painful are Brittany and Jael who get longer extensions that have to be sewn in. Brittany's is pretty successful but when Jael is almost finished, Jay tells her that she is getting the Tyra Banks Special, i.e. The Mia Farrow Pixie Cut that she bestows on one girl each cycle. After sitting in a chair for eight hours of pain, Jael is a little upset but is overall a pretty good sport about it. On average, most of the makeovers are pretty successful: Jaslene, Brittany, and Cassandra looked remarkably better. The two worst are probably Jael (not a fan of the short hair on her) and Natasha (who looks like she is wearing a Cleopatra wig). Most of the girls' seem to like their new do's, except Brit-brit is constantly bitching about all the pain she's in.

Back at the house, Jael gets some terrible news: a close friend of hers OD'ed. Naturally, Jael is unhinged. Brittany and Whitney try to confront her. Normally, I am not a fan of overt religiosity. But unlike C.1's Robin (who made the entire house hold hands and pray) and C.7's Monique (who would openly read the Bible by the pool and yet be a mega bitch to her housemates), Whitney wasn't trying to cram God down Jael's throat but was rather trying to comfort her. (Here is where Amy rolls the eyes.)
There is one scene where Jael and Brittany are sitting by the pool while Renee and (apparent Cunt by Association) Diana are bitching about Brit-brit being all shallow and fake in trying to help Jael. Instead of actually helping her, they complain about the people who do. All this escalates into a confrontation between Renee and Brittany that concludes with B telling Renee that she is kicking her ass in this competition and Renee responding by giving her a blurry finger.

The challenge is a makeup challenge where the girls don sundresses and have to put make up within a time limit. Brittany complains (again) of digestive issues and promises to the best she can. Apparently, even at a crippled state she is able to win the challenge and select two girls to be part of Seventeen magazine photo shoot. She picks Sarah (I know!) and Jael. Cassandra was unable to complete the challenge and was disqualified. The most disappointing thing about this competition is a lack of some Seventeen's Atoosa. I gots to get me some Atoosa and her cheekbones of awesomeness.

Not only are we blessed with the makeover, but we also get the Nekkid shoot as well. The theme is sweets, and the girls are going to be covered in candy, syrup, chocolate, and for some masochistic reason ice cream. This prompts Brittany (again!) to bitch about holding cold ice cream and being naked. Felicia, in a moment of great frankness, tells her that it is going to be cold for everyone. The rivalry between Brit-brit and Renee heats up, but even that bitch has to admit Brittany did a awesome job. Sarah compares her to Kate Moss which Renee promptly dismisses. Struggling this week is Diana, who does not really know how to work with her curves. Jaslene tries to show her personality in her shoot. Her voice is really deep in her interview so I think she's been forgetting to take her estrogen supplements.

A candy store pic of Tyra leads us into this week’s panel. Tyra is really taking the whole pirate/fortune teller them to a whole new level complete with frizzy 'do to go with the ensemble. This week, many of the girls are told to let their hair down and not accessorize so much. Which is a bit of a departure when past girls were told to pull their hair back. Jael works through the pain and really delivers a great photo. Brittany also does really well and is lauded by all the judges even though she bitches (again!) on how much her weave hurts. Sarah finally takes a decent photo which is compared side by side with Renee's weaker photo. Apparently, Sarah has something in the eyes. The judges rave over Jael's photo who she dedicates to her friend. I'm glad Tyra got to put on her concerned face but I am actually shocked that host, mentor, and executive producer was not aware that something tragic happened to one of her girls. Other shit happens too and the girls are dismissed while the judges deliberate.

Although Jael takes a pretty good photo and has a newly deceased friend, its not enough to get first pic this week. That honor goes to Brittany, much to the chagrin of half the girls left. There are some weird facial close ups as other girls get called. This week’s bottom three is Jaslene, Cassandra and Diana. Jaslene is reprimanded for her apparent lack of personality. Cassandra has plateaued. Diana cannot really pose and she is kinda boring (and a C.B.A.). Even though Cassandra is very likable, the judges feel that Diana can show more improvement. All I think is that she can show more growth, if you know what I mean. Cassandra takes things pretty well. (Because she's a nice, normal person and that shit ain't gonna cut it.)

Next week: Renee wants to kick some ass and take names later. Since she's featured in the previews that probably mean that she's safe next week. Bum city.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Click here to listen to our twentieth episode
---------------------------------------------------------------

Check out Aaron's sorta new baby, COUCHVILLE!

Oh, apparently Jael has gotten over the death of her friend. Read the blog. As usual, I'm more concerned about the cat in the closet. Isn't that just cruel?? (Thanks to Alexandra for the link and pics!)