Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tyra hates Second Chances

Previously...
Why hello there. Perviously on Top Model: the first half of cycle 9 happened. Bitches came, bitches went, and now we are left with a more manageable group of girls to lampoon and parody. At this point in the cycle you would think we've separated the wheat from the chafe, but its pretty much the chafe from the rest of the chafe. Here's who we have left in no particular order: Lisa: long legged "entertainer" from New York who was given one of the worst make-overs this cycle, Heather- this cycle's poster girl that Tyra cares whose success infuriates Bianca, Bianca: stank assed bald girl whose stankosity guarantees her a slot in the top three, Chantal: wonky-eyed chick from Austin (Go Horns!), Jenah: this cycles hot mess with her giant chompers and rat weave, Ambreal: this requisite bottom-feeder whose only still here because God and/or Ebony decided pussy out, and Saleisha: the standard pretty girl whose was the challenge of trying to work the Tootie/Dorothy Hamil/Goomba hair do. Seriously, they shoulda spend less time on the CGI morphing effect for the makeovers and more time on the actual makeovers. With last week's elimination of Sarah, who was both too thin and too fat, I stopped caring about who wins.

Act 1: Guess who's going home this week!
From the first two minutes of the episode, you should know that a) Heather is going have a bad week b) Bianca is going to egg her on, and c) Lisa and Ambreal are going to be in the bottom two. Obviously, Heather's success infuriates Bianca to no end. While it is entertaining to see her slowing chip away at Heather's psyche, its does make me feel bad for the poor girl. While I would never describe Heather as pretty, she has done some remarkable modeling this cycle. She also seems like a decent person which makes always makes the other girls ganging up on her seem tacky and mean. We all know that Ambreal got a second chance, do ya think she is going to let that one slip by us. Also, since we barely hear from Jenah, Chantal and Shaleisa, we pretty much know they ain't going anywhere.

Act 2: Doesn't He Have Anything Else to Do?
Tyra must have had it out for Heidi Klum this week, because the challenge is a blatant rip off of Project Runway. Since Tim Gunn was probably busy, Tyra scrounged up a kilt-clad Benny Ninja. Seriously, how many times has he been on this cycle. So far, we have no Atoosa and no Janice. If I were Miss J, I'd think some other queen was gunning from my job. This week's challenge is to assign the girls a student at the same fashion school that Lauren Conrad allegedly went. (Aside: One of my favorite moments on the Hills was when Heidi dropped out sixteen minutes into her first class and then L.C. and Whitney sang a song called "fashion school drop out.") This is a multipart challenge where the model has to inspire the designers to make a dress that fits their personality. I wonder how well that is going to go. Heather inspires a water based design despite the fact that she INSISTS that she was born under the fire sign. (Oh, she's one of those.) Bianca inexpiably gets to be Cleopatra. Jenah thinks she inspires rock 'n roll. Seriously, if we learned anything from Meggg, its that if you have to say you're rock 'n roll, you're probably not. Saliesha gets to be a fairy. Lisa inspires party crashing and Ambreal gets a party dress.

The girls also have to walk and tell the superisingly decent sized crowd how they inspired the garment. The judge is some dude from Elite. Most of the girls do okay. It's only Heather and Lisa who fuck up royally. Heather does not take the criticism well and it reverbreates throughout the rest of the ep. It was edited to show Bianca smiling at this but given this show's history, she was probably laughing because Chantal queefed or something. Even though Jenah totally rocked (geddit) her dress, I was totally happy that she lost out to Saleisha. Her prize is a magazine layout featuring holidy jewelry. She picks Lisa and Bianca(!) as her guests.

Upon returning home, Heather calls dibs on the shower. Drunk with power, Saliesha and Lisa hop in the shower before her which is apparently the last straw for lil Miss Aspergers. She actually gets in the shower and lays into them. It dosen't help that Bianca was there egging her on the entire time. Obviously, she's having a bad day, isn't used to criticism, living with bitches, and disappointment. Even though I actually like Heather, has she not seen an episode of this show??

Act 3: Mi Vida as una Coverchica!
Ah, Jaslene is still around. And for some reason, SHE IS STILL TALKING IN ALL CAPS. In what must be the saddest My Life spot ever, we see Jaslene meeting her fans (both of them) at a Wal-Mart. WTF!?! Wal-Mart. Seriously. That is worse than Naima's slumber party or Dani(elle) taking bunny pictures. I'm sure there some thing about racism to say here, but I am too tired to care right now. Hopefully by next year she'll still be working at a Wal-mart. Yeah, I'm still pissed she won.

Act 4: How is that good for the environment?
Hey, you know what's a great way to promote your green agenda? Take the models in your eco mobile, dump them in the middle of the dessert, and make them take pictures in front of a flaming jalopy. Oh, and there was a car involved. (Bu dum bum!) This week's shoot is about taking pictures in a dress while looking fierce, and trying not to set yourself on fire. Since I was playing Puzzle Quest at the time, I kinda zoned out at this point. All I know is that a Jenah and Chantal did pretty well. Bianca was so fierce she looks like she probably set the car on fire. (Don't tempt her.) Saliesha continues to be blandy pretty. Heather dosen't do so great, yet still manages to pull off a decent photo. Since we already know that Lisa and Ambreal are in the bottom two, we know that they stunk up the joint. Its refreshing to know that Mr. Jay's brand of "coaching" is not coaching and telling the models to pose while not posing is back in full effect.

Act 5: Oh, so we're talking about China now.
Panel! Judges! Afros! The girls are evauluated on their photos. Bianca is lauded for her angry face and is once again told that she could have started that fire. (Seriously, don't tempt her.) Even though Heather had an interesting and decent shot, it was her worst film to date. The two blondes did a good job of selling the dress. Lisa is slipping. Saleisha is boring in photos yet according to Nigel striking in person. I really don't see the difference. Ambreal is not up to snuff. Everyone finds out before elimination that girls get to go to China for this years foreign country. There were dragons, sword dancers, and Tyra a giant novelty fan. In a dick move, the girls are informed that one of them will not be going with them. Bianca get called first which I am sure will get to her already inflated ego. Ambreal is told that she will not be going to China with the other girls and is finally let go. As she blah-blahs about God's plan her portfolio shows that she should have been gone weeks ago. At least Tyra hopes she continues modeling instead of hoping that she continues to try to be a model. Man, Janet''s kiss-off was one of my favorite moments this season.

Next week. The girls go to China much to the chagrin of the podcaster whose name ends in "amy."

Fast forward to 7:07 for an awesome Chantal impression. Thanks Rich!!



p.s. If anyone has a video editig program, can you plase get the clip of Rich pretending to be Chantal and just put it on loop lke 20 times and send me the youtube link for it? I'd love you FOREVER. And post it.

1 Comments:

  • "Oh, so we're talking about China now."

    lol i totally watched "waiting for guffman" last night before i went to sleep. It's even funnier watching it while stoned.

    is there a podcast to go with this post? cause it's not showing up in itunes

    By Anonymous vagface, at 7:37 PM  

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