Sunday, August 19, 2007

CNTM 2-07: Schizophrenia, Amnesia and Testosterone

Hi guys!

Sorry this is so late. Life has been busy. Hope everyone enjoy the finale! And of course, stay tuned for our favorite Canadian Stephanie's recap!

Cori found out all the girls hate her and she vows to get even, right off the get-go. She will use all her power for evil, and rid the world of these pesky competitors any way she can. After all she is strong. She is woman. Hear her crying. As she cuddles her teddy bear incestuously.

The girls begin their day by having a workshop with Yanka, an alleged ex-supermodel. It occurs to me that the word 'supermodel' is being thrown around a little too freely these days. She must have made lots of money in her day because she's been eating well. She teaches them "face language" and "visual confidence", some sort of tai chi for faces. To the girls' credit they have the presence of mind to laugh with her and not at her. Save that for us at home.

Next, Stacey Mackenzie greets them at the French Connection UK (read: FCUK) for a mannequin posing challenge. Something about Stacey's hair makes me want to say… electrical socket! They get dressed in their outfits and set up in the street level window; meanwhile Stacey and Nolé Marin go undercover in a town car across the street to watch. And this is where CNTM becomes a sitcom. The judges are outfitted with opera glasses and vintage telescopes. The filmed footage of the store window is accelerated for maximum effect. The girls rock back and forth, window cleaners appear and disappear, people come and go. Stacey and Nolé cackle in their air-conditioned car. Ultimately, Rebecca wins and earns $2000 and 30 minutes in the store to spend it.

The anti-Cori hate shout-outs continue as each girl voices her feelings. It's all very diplomatic – after all, we're Canadian. Cori on the other hand puts aside her vow to be evil, and stresses she doesn't want the next top model to be a big blue meanie, which is exactly why SHE should win – because she's just so damn nice.

Next up, the girls are off for a "cover-try" for Fashion Magazine. What the heck is that? If your picture sucks, we ain't committing to nuthin'! At least on ANTM they give them a real advertisement once you're getting down to the wire… Yasmin Warsame and Nolé meet the girls at The Carlu. Yasmin, the most beautiful woman on the show, has gotten her hair done at the same salon as Stacey Mackenzie, sadly. Sinead is dressed in bridal flounce, or a cupcake, depending on your view, and is deemed quite commercial. Rebecca has a hard outfit to work for a cover shot, given that the front is boring as heck and all the action is in the back. Cori needs to "be strong" for the cover but that's hard when you're always crying. Nolé thinks Tia is birdlike but she looks good in red – maybe she's a cardinal. Tara has this monstrosity of a fake flower stuck to her chest, but even after the photographer makes them take it off she still looks like a prom queen. She's also told to try not to be too tall, and to try not to look like a drag queen.

Back at the apartment, Rebecca learns she has a second part to her prize, and voila: her boyfriend Tyler is waiting in the dining room. Despite being incredibly tall he looks like a little boy with old man hair, very small town. Rebecca needs to take some of her own personal sense of style and start dressing this guy, clean him up a bit. Tia sums up by saying, "Rebecca has just turned in to a Becky." They remove to the bedroom for a while to check the sheets, while Cori complains that there should be no sex in the top model house. She, after all, fancies herself a role model for younger girls. Soon enough Rebecca smartly hightails it out of the house, Tyler in tow. The producers blow their budget and set them up for beer and wings at Filthy MacNasty's, a local chain of bars that I've always thought of as Chuckie Cheese for horny adults on the make. The boyfriend proceeds to get shit-faced and belligerent, plainly setting out to ruin Rebecca's run on national television. Rebecca – you don't deserve this. Changing his clothes won't change his attitude, sista. Since the cameras are everywhere she can't even tell him off properly without offering up another sound bite, so she whisks him back to the bedroom, probably to kick his ass. Evil Cori re-emerges and tries to slide incriminating photos of Rebecca snogging the hockey player under the bedroom door, but the other girls step in as the voice of reason and deny her the pleasure. In the end we see Rebecca hoisting Tyler off in a limo and she tells us she "gave him the poop". I hope this means she told him she'll be moving to Paris to model and she ain't supporting his drunk ass when she's rich and famous.

Cori is back in good girl mode by the next day. She must have bouts of amnesia over her dark side. She shares that she hopes no one makes her cry at judging, as she snuggles up to her teddy bear. Someone should throw that bear in the blender.

And on to judging... Sinead's photo looks good, especially because her white dress is shown on a white background, allowing her face to shine. Rebecca's shot gets rave reviews. It looks like "Italian Vogue the whole way through". The photo "tells a story" for Jeanne Beker, and we know how much she needs her stories. The biggest criticism they can work up for Rebecca is that she would be booked by international designers such as Marc Jacobs or Karl Lagerfield on the strength of this one picture, but maybe not local publication Fashion magazine. Jay throws Cori a diplomatic bone by pointing out that the covers that sell the most magazines are the ones where the models wear red, and she was after all wearing red. Jay also thanks Cori for not having a breakdown this week. Tia brings drama, she's dreamy, but Jay asks if this is a fluke. Tara gets criticized for not using her legs, but earlier she was been criticized for being too tall. What's a girl to do? The judges go off on a rant about misconceptions. Jay claims he doesn't fake and bake. Stacey blurts out "I am not a man." The jury is still out. Jeanne Beker claims she is not a bitch. Again, jury! Paul Alexander said something, but we don't even know who he is in the first place, so who cares. Photographer to the stars or something – he's probably bent out of shape from all of the hubbub Nigel Barker caused last week.

In the final judging, Sinead is called first – she did exactly what the client asked. Tia is next, fluke or not. Rebecca is third (third?!!), and told she needs to learn her client. Yeah, Rebecca, try not to be so internationally appealing next time will you?

Cori and Tara are left to hang because they have no pizzazz. Last week, no one was eliminated, so the tension builds. In the end Tara is saved because she got her photo on the first frame, and oh yeah, Cori was boring. And so ends the last crying jag we'll ever see from Cori. As she says her goodbyes all I can think is that Tara has rather large breasts for a dancer.

Next week: Down to four girls. We have to eliminate three girls on one episode. WTF?


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