The Squid and the Whale: Canada's Next Top Model, Season Two, Episode Two

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I'm such a sucker – I checked Wiki CNTM a couple hours before the show aired and they had a summary of the episode already posted! But what a red herring – it was nothing like what really happened and now in hindsight I feel like I was conned by a large marketing machine. You could take this as a sign that the producers are well organized, but wait! When the show starts we see the girls discovering a cold hot tub on the deck, labeled off limits since no one had the foresight to warm it up in advance. Hello? This was filmed in the late winter after all. Duh.

The first Jay-Mail hints at makeovers and the girls are quickly trucked off to Capucci Salon. The product placement trend established last week continues in spades. At the Salon the girls are treated to Nice and Easy hair dye, straight from the package. The colorists at this high-end salon don't create their own color, but pose unnaturally with drugstore boxes and tubes. Halfway through the cuts the girls get Covergirl gift baskets with a note that they have been filled with makeup specially picked for each girl's complexions. I guess they can't be trusted to do it on their own. Or maybe they're just not allowed out.

The makeovers: CNTM changed up the predictable "long-short, blonde-brown switch" routine that ANTM relies on. Two girls with long hair got to keep it: Cori's straight long brown hair simply got bigger and wavier and now she looks like a bartender who might get bigger tips. Jacqueline also got off easy, with her red Felicity hair getting only slightly trimmed and dyed slightly more brown. Two girls with short hair got to stay short: Mo, the only black girl in the competition (since they didn't keep my favorite Regine from ep. 1) got her finger-length hair restyled and now she looks like she has sexy bed-head. Mall model Steff had her neck length blond cut slightly shorter and sharper so that now she has become a ringer for actress Katie Sackhoff on Battlestar Galactica. Two girls got extensions: Tara had her wild kinky hair straightened and got a weave. (Wait, Tara showed a lot of patience with that weave process, maybe she's black, but if she is, she's a Janet Jackson black, not a Samuel L. Jackson black.) Tia has changed from all right to noticeable, mind you in a disconcerting way. She has over-collagened Nata lips, but she also has these big doe eyes (or maybe they're deer-in-the-headlights eyes) that reminds me of the look that all the models had in the Vanity Fair feature recently.

Of course the most drama happened in the group that had their hair cut off. Gina/Melrose had her long blonde straight hair turned into a short brown bob, but she coped and may have been smart enough to expect it. Sinead is getting her long wavy brown hair cut into what Jay called a "Natalie Portman" cut, but really, the idea of a bald Sinead is ironic, don't you think? Sinead starts having flashbacks about her sister's brain tumor and the haircut she had to have. Everyone supports her and she gets through, probably because Jay has already left the building. It was certainly an opportunity for the "models must put aside these emotions" spiel that Ty-Ty might make. Rebecca came in sporting long brown bangs and butt-length hair a la Pussycat Doll Chelsea, and leaves with a shoulder length, bright red bob. It's a disaster, it's so Vidal Sassoon it looks like plastic. She says that if she saw herself walking down the street she would think she was a freak, not high fashion. Shots without makeup look like last season's runway, but the makeup (not her choice – done by professionals) makes her look like an overdone sixties drag queen. Sinead's crying wins her a $5000 Visa for being so "admirable" – turns out she donated her hair to Locks for Love.

Back to the house for two minutes of clips. Tara hates everyone. Everyone hates her. Hate hate hate. The hot tub is ready, but don't get Tara's weave wet.

Off to Studio One, where a platter of squid, crab, octopus, eel, mussels, smelt waits. After the girls stop grossing out, producers put a small octopus on Steff's arm for no reason other than to get her freaked – this was not part of her shoot.Sinead gets an octopus on her head; Rebecca gets some kind of giant smelt; Jacqueline gets caviar eyebrows and an eel on her neck; Steff gets a periwinkle snail shower cap; Mo gets a fish in her hair and seaweed on her neck; Tia gets a crayfish necklace; Cori gets a lobster hat and a seaweed necklace; Tara gets a crab on her head and won't stop complaining about getting her weave wet with crab juice.

Sinead goes shopping with a stylist from the salon and brings back bracelets for everyone. Tara gives her stink eye. Jay has left everyone a black dress to wear to judging.

At judging we are all blinded by Jay's jacket. Wow. It's white with pink and green flowers over it and a pink shirt. Pure upholstery material. It turns out that they all had the same dress, even though they are wearing them all in different ways. They are given 30 seconds to pick accessories from a table. Sinead takes a gold belt and earrings; judges call her photo regal. Jeanne Beker calls it high fashion. Mo takes a black hat and red earrings; judges say her photo has no expression and is blank. Gina wears a beret, making me think she's aware of her Melrose-ness. Jeanne Beker calls her mean looking. Tia thinks sunglasses on her head compliment a cocktail dress. Judges say her photo shows off her "sensual lips". Tia says she liked her baby lobster necklace. Someone says that they're crayfish, not lobsters, to which she answers "well not yet". Crickets. Cori confirms my bartender theory by putting on a cowboy hat with sunglasses (this ain't the Coyote Search, girlfriend). Judges call her Vegas cowboy. Tara goes for pearls and sunglasses on head. Jay does the "You should do this, then do this" trick he learned from Mama Ty Ty. Rebecca has super-styling ability, according to Jay, with her black/white checkered hat and long black necklace. I think she has confirmed her own "freak" prediction, but Jeanne Beker calls her high fashion and haunting, and "good for you for disguising your weak chin". Jacqueline throws a sash around her neck, which is immediately moved by the judges to create an Empire waist. JB calls her face a mask. Steff goes simple with a silver headband. Judges tell her off for freaking out over the octopus, "It costs 20,000/hour to run that set, that would come out of your paycheck…", and everyone seems to forget that it wasn't even part of her photo setup, it was solely done by the producers to make good television. Behind her, Sinead faints. No crew comes running, only the on-air people. If that happened to me I would like to think someone might be more concerned. Does that mean its normal for models to faint – no one reacts? For god's sake, eat something ladies. Fade to commercial.

They come back like nothing happened – Jay: you were "dehydrated, riiiiiigt?" Tormenting Steff continues: Jay says she looks like a linebacker, JB declares, "This shot looks stupid" as if Steff designed it.

In deliberations Paul Alexander calls ugly girls "swamp donkeys". Jeanne Beker says "high fashion" about ten more times, and talks about how fashion should be "elevating", she feels elevated, this girl doesn't elevate her enough. Blah blah blah, Jeanne. Sinead is called first, followed by Rebecca, Tara, Cori, Tia, Mo, and Gina. Steff is told she is not photogenic, while Jacqueline is not memorable. Steff channels pure Starbuck with her cocky "yes sir, no sir" to the criticisms, and Jacqueline is sent home.

Next week, Canadian cliché ice-skating, Mo takes a potentially pelvic bone crunching fall, Miss Jay makes and appearance and the girls learn catwalk.