Saturday, May 19, 2007

Tyra Hates Wholahay Brown a.k.a. The Girl with the Pearl Necklace

One would think that with the ouster for Brit-brit, the drama factor of ANTM would decrease exponentially. But fear not true-believers, as we have an episode chockfull of bitchery, hypocrisy, schemery, and good ole pain-in-the assery. As the CW promos state, the beautiful [Ha!] become ugly [Too late!]

This week’s first challenge is to use a little body pain and some dancing to tell a story to an Aussie Model and some Aborigines. Dionne does not want to participate because she hates dancing or something. Se can be drenched in ice cream and caramel or made to look like a corpse, but put the girl in body paint and have her move her arms a little and all of a sudden she's modest. I never realized what a complainer that girl is. The others seem to be more into this challenge. Renee tells some origin story of abuse which totally justifies her being a total cunt. I forgot what Jaslene says, because I've learned to tune that girl out when she opens her empanada-hole. Natasha has a winning strategy by whispering her story in an attempt to get people to pay attention. Unfortunately, the plan backfires and nobody hears a damn thing she says. [Maybe it was at that time she revealed the name of her husband.] Renee wins the challenge and her prize is a pearl necklace. [Insert Joke Here]

Since Dionne totally overworked during the day, she decides that the girls need to blow off some steam. Natasha is not feeling too well, so she decides to stay in. Like sharks, the girls sense some menstrual blood and decide to attack Natasha while she's sick. At the bar, Renee leads Twiddle-dumb and Twiddle-dumbass in a round of "We hate Natasha." All the girls agree that she is a fraud with a sketchy marriage situation. While true, being a mail order bride is as sketchy as having a husband who lives on the beach and goes to places for 'business deals." People who live in glass tiki huts shouldn't throw poi, NeNe. While extremely arrogant, Natasha has been edited to be very kind and compassionate to the other girls. She congratulated Jaslene last week when she won the challenge and tried to comfort Brit during her meltdown. During interviews, she's never said anything more cruel or bitchy than Jaslene, Dionne, and especially Renee have said. Remember, just last week Jaslene was talking shit about Renee. And Dionne and Renee aren’t necessarily BFFs. The other girls agree and decide that something needs to be done about Natasha. Gee, I wonder what kind of ingenious plan these half-wits have concocted.

Dionne hopes and prays that this week’s photo shoot won't have dancing in it. Hasn't she ever seen this show before. And when did she become the next Dolores Umbridge with her anti-fun crusade? Top models have to jump through Diana's earrings sized hoops to win this show. You have to look the damn fool to get Tyra to notice show. This week’s photo shoot involves desecrating some indigenous legends. The girls also have to dance. Any-who, she continues to do her angry face until Jay finally coaxes her into doing something decent. Jaslene and Renee do pretty well, it’s obvious that these two will be safe. And then there's Natasha. Last week I mentioned that Natasha who have to take a dump at the photo shoot to land herself in the next bottom two. Well, that would have been more interesting that what she does at the photo shoot. With her illness in full effect, she just stands there. Jay tries to get her to work through the illness, but it does not work.

Renee hopes that Natasha does not use her sickness as an excuse for mediocre photos. While I agree, its no worse that using your infant child as a ploy to garner sympathy from the judges and designers, Renee. After the reading Tyra-mail, Natasha asks what is going to happen tomorrow. The remaining three sarcastically tell her that someone is going home.
At panel, the girls decide to reveal their little McCarthy-esque plot. Tyra asks the girls the question: Who has the most potential and who has the least? For the most potential, all the girls (except Dionne) pick themselves. Renee once again brings up her family, i.e. the fire under her butt. (Um, ewww.) Natasha talks about her strong Eastern features. Dionne picks Jaslene (really!?!) for her fierce poses and Guatemalaness, her primitive 'eat. Dionne not picking her self is one of many stupid things that transpire in the next ten minutes.

For least potential, Renee, Jaslene, and Dionne all pick Natasha, who they care about and respect. Not because she has a similar poses, tends to over pout, or hunch her noses. No, the models think Nata has the least potential because her personality seems fake. Seriously, Natasha's personality seems fake? That's the best they could come up with? That is retarded for several reasons:

1.) They all pick the SAME model and for the SAME reason, which only makes them petty and stupid.
2.) They pick Natasha who the judges clearly like for both her photos (not this week) and her personality. Also, at least Nata was never called out for having no personality (Jaslene) or need to have an intervention because her personality was so rancid (Renee.)
3.) They pick the one girl with the mutant ability to take criticism and metamorph it into a compliment.

So, are we at all surprised when Natasha thanks the other girls for their critiques and hints that maybe the girls might be a tiny bit jealous at all the attention she gets? By dealing with the responses so well, it elevates her with the judges (it actually saves her this week) and makes Renee, Dionne and Jaslene look bad. As for the pictures, Natasha's worst is still on par with the best that Dionne and Jaslene brought. Renee's photo was actually pretty good.
While the judges are deliberating, Natasha tries to ask the girls why they think she's fake. The other's just respond that they think she’s phony and they don't believe what she says. So much for caring and respecting her. Jaslene actually has the hubris (look it up, Jaslene) by getting all defensive that Natasha actually thinks they might be jealous. While all of this is happening, Renee is just smiling in the background. Don't worry, that shit eating grin is soon wiped off from her face.

The judges love they way Natasha handled the critiques. The judges love Renee but she photographs really old. Like Melrose old. Dionne is improving, but is the worst girl left. Tyra is worried that Jaslene wants this too much. Because she is insane. Four girls remain, but Tyra only has three photos. Not surprisingly, Renee and Jaslene get photos. The final two are Dionne and Natasha. Dionne is not improving as they hoped she would and Natasha had a really bad week. Tyra launches into this speech that they don't live in the house and they don't see the drama that unfolds. Maybe Natasha is a fake bitch, or maybe (as she pulls out Natasha’s photo) the rest are just jealous. Tyra even tells us that Natasha's portfolio is better than Dionne’s. (Suck on that, Wholahay!) Natasha, being the classiest girl left, tries to hug Dionne, but Dionne too shocked to even recognize her. Renee is stunned and Jaslene’s jaw practically hits the floor. I am not too sure if they are upset that Dionne was eliminated or that their ingenious plan backfired. Either way, Dionne's portfolio is not that great and she was the correct one to be sent home.

So, our final three are Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee. It’s a toss up. Jaslene and Renee have never been in the bottom two but I think Nata has been called before them more times. I have nightmares of Jaslene's potential My Life as a Cover Girl spots. We already had a reformed bitch win (C.2's Eva Pigford) and we just had a blonde win last time (CariDee). So my fearless prediction is that America's Next Top Model is ... Joanie. She did take the best picture all season.

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4 Comments:

  • http://www.myspace.com/natashatopmodel

    haha natasha's myspace.
    she has you on her top.
    i hope she doesnt listen to you guys or stewart might come and attack you with his other mail order brides.

    By Anonymous Jalesa, at 12:26 PM  

  • how much soul cancer would i get for sending a hate shout to that madeline ?????????????????????????????????????????

    cioa

    ps.dont hate me

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:55 PM  

  • who's madeline?

    By Blogger America's Next Top Podcast, at 6:26 PM  

  • aw. only one hater? so sad. great podcast though. i'm still in denial about manis winning, but i can't wait to hear your take on it.

    By Blogger irochka, at 3:30 PM  

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