Sunday, April 22, 2007

Tyra Hates Blewish American Princesses

Following Whitney's inevitable booting, the girls decided have a detente and frolic in the pool. Since there is a pool involved, we already know that Jael and Natasha are going to be there. But we also see that Renee and Brit are there as well. Jael, who does not know the meaning of the word "armistice," whips out her guns. Renee's soul cancer creeps back and she cattily (or truthfully) admits that Jael's not a really good model. Things we learn this week include: Brit has no short term memory, Cycle 2's April has a successful career doing interviews, there is room for one more gay man on this show, Brit has no short term memory, it is possible for Dionne to have a mediocre week and still be charming (to me at least), the spirit of Steve Irwin lives on in Renee, and Brit has no short term memory.

The reason why America's Next Top Model needs to be a good speaker is that sometimes modeling jobs require models to talk. They usually don't have to come up with the words, but they have to say them. Cycle 2's winner Yoanna had a steady gig on The Look for Less. Since she was probably busy gracing the pages of GoFugYourself, ANTM instead gives us Cycle 2's April, who used to host the UPN's internet show about Top Model. Since Tyra is determined to hire every unemployed homo in West Hollywood, the models get pointers from other actor/comedian. The girls try to learn how to have a good interview with less than ideal subjects. The two we learn about are: blabber mouths and quiet types. The next phase is to take their newfound skills and interview each other. The interviews are somewhat combative with the girls trying to insult each other while asking questions.

Since the girls just learned how to be next Barbara Walt... scratch that, um, Tyra Ban..., no. Fuck it, let's just say Elizabeth Hasselback, this week's challenge is to interview people on the streets. The big twist is that the girls have to interview people in AUSTRALIA. By the time it takes Natasha's brain to process that information, she nearly has a seizure. Tyra in a kangaroo outfit and a live kangaroo were not enough to convey that information. I so would have paid money to see her weave come off with that kangaroo mask.

Top Model CG Plane! Australia! As soon as the girls disembark, they are met by Erika Heynatz, the first host of Australia's Next Top Model. Erika outlines the first challenge. The girls get to play correspondent for the Tyra Show and have to interview Australians on fashion using Aussie slang. In order to help, the girls are given a primer on key words to use. Of course, this sets off Brit's Woe-is-MEter, because she has trouble with her short term memory due to injuries suffered from a car accident. She apparently forgets that she has to interview Aussies and scores an interview with an older American tourist. Dionne thinks, "Oh that's cool," is Aussie slang. Jael strikes some weird poses while she interviews people. Renee appears to do a good job as she interviews people on the beach. Jaslene and Natasha ask questions. The winner, whose interview will be featured on the Tyra show, will be announced during panel.

The CoverGirl commercial rears its ugly head once again. After last cycle's Catalan travesty, the producers decided the let the girls speak English. But the models have to do using an Aussie accent. While seemingly easy, this twist does pose a challenge to most of the girls. Dionne and Jaslene have noticeable regional accents. Brit has no short term memory. Natasha is not a native speaker and has thick Russian accent. Jael is Jael.

Renee goes first and does a pretty good job channeling the Croc Hunter, but looks strangely mannish and older. Jaslene pulls it together by the sixth take. Jael and Dionne struggle. Within one minute, the former cries, goes crazier, decides to become Captain Planet: Defender of the Universe, plays with a sheep, and climbs a tree. Natasha squints a little but gets things done. Brit (looking a lot like Rachel Weisz) struggles with memorizing the lines. I don't know if you've heard, but she was in a car accident which really affected her short term memory.

A great outback shot of Tyra transitions to really well done-up Tyra Banks. Kudos Aussie make-up people. There are prizes. There are judges. There is one girl whose ass is getting shipped back to America. Natasha gets evaluated first and the judges praise her efforts despite the language barrier. She gets some points off for relying on that pouty thing she does. Dionne needs to camp things up a bit. Jaslene was really committed to the accent but has some massive frown lines. Renee does a good accent, but needs to be more feminine. Jael apparently looks like an anarchist making fun of a CoverGirl. Tyra needs to tell her to be an anarchist making fun of a CoverGirl, but be more subtle about it or something. I'm not sure. If I don't get it, there is no way in hell Jael did either. Brit is told that fashion has no sympathy or empathy and that she needs to find a way to work with her limitations. Maybe she should have used a combination of informative tattoos and Polaroids to get through the photo shoot and solve the mystery of who killed her wife.

Natasha gets called first and surprisingly wins this week’s correspondent challenge. I think the point of this cycle is about going to extremes, but then pull it back. That's what Tyra thinks Renee, Jaslene and Dionne need to be better at. The bottom two is Brit-brit and Jael. Brit needs to stop her bitching and work with her limitations and Jael is a ghastly mess. Jael is released back into society armed with a wig and a tutu. Look out, evil doers! I am actually impressed she lasted this long.

Next week: Crikey! Shite happens, mate!

Click here to listen to our twenty-fifth episode


  • aw miss you guys,have a great trip.
    and amy if your plane starts to crash just use Aarons dead body to save you,

    XXX love you guys
    hate the haters

    ps.great podcast and scotty i'd be happy to lick your"fuckin clit",lol

    By Anonymous Emma, at 7:58 AM  

  • yay great to hear u guys in a good mood again

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:16 AM  

  • CRAWFISH!!! I'm originally from Indiana and moved down to Baton Rouge for grad school (Geaux Tigers!) and crawfish is AMAZING!! I'm so sad that the season is almost over.

    P.S. You are right about New Orleans. I went there for the Sugar Bowl and my car died and was stranded there for 2 days because you can't find a mechanic that's not busy thanks to Katrina. Anywho, after a day, I wanted to shoot myself in the foot because Bourbon Street was gross and nasty. I returned for Mardi Gras and it was worse, but I was drunk so it didn't matter. Thought I'd share.

    By Anonymous Tiffany, at 2:10 PM  

  • CRAWFISH!!! I'm originally from Indiana and moved down to Baton Rouge for grad school (Geaux Tigers!) and crawfish is AMAZING!! I'm so sad that the season is almost over.

    P.S. You are right about New Orleans. I went there for the Sugar Bowl and my car died and was stranded there for 2 days because you can't find a mechanic that's not busy thanks to Katrina. Anywho, after a day, I wanted to shoot myself in the foot because Bourbon Street was gross and nasty. I returned for Mardi Gras and it was worse, but I was drunk so it didn't matter. Thought I'd share.

    By Anonymous Tiffany, at 2:10 PM  

  • Sorry for posting twice. My internet is ghetto.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:11 PM  

  • you will be u annoyin fuk

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:06 PM  

  • Amy said not to hate...So don't hate.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:35 PM  

  • no,just not hate towards them

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:31 AM  

  • I dont know if u know this, but Brit has short term memory loss.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:43 PM  

  • maybe i haven't listened far enough back in the podcasts to be in on the joke, but what's the "Hoolihay" thing about?
    and, good name for a (gay) porn that's from a children's book: "James and the Giant Cock." thought i'd share.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:25 PM  

  • I agree: if you are going to do drunk-a-palooza, a long weekend is about enough of New Orleans. And I had never been a fan of Mardi Gras... until I actually stayed for Fat Tuesday. WAY better than the weekend. Much less of a Girls Gone Wild Keg of Miller Lite Frat Party vibe. Once I actually saw the festivals and parades and, well, anything besides a blurry Bourbon Street, I actually started to believe that it might be something worth rebuilding. Plus, as spotty as it is, the city is unique and beautiful. Although, I ended up barefoot on Bourbon (drunken flip-flop incident) and I'm sure the infection will eventually kill me. No gangrene yet though!



    By Blogger America's Next Top Podcast, at 4:14 PM  

  • Oh my God! You were walking around Bourbon Street without any shoes and lived to tell about it?! I'm impressed, Scotty! How did you manage to dodge the puddles of vomit?

    I was there for the Crewe of Orpheus parade (Monday) and Harry Connick Jr. was in it...It was worth the wait, but then again, I was under the influence so it really didn't matter...I should send you pictures! You'll get to see the Weed Man and the blow-up doll that was hanging from a building...

    By Anonymous Tiffany, at 5:41 PM  

  • ok scotty here's some titles for you:

    little red riding cock
    The three little pigbottoms
    Hop on Pop(pers)
    Little Bo peepshow

    that's all i have right now. How's it feel to be the main person on the blog now that amy is gone? Have fun with you time off!

    Tell the haters to suck it, you tangents make me laugh and i like them.

    By Anonymous Jenna, at 6:50 PM  

  • Oh my god. The three little pigbottoms got me there, but Hop on Pop(pers) got me over the edge. AWESOME!

    And Tiffany-- I was there for the same parade! My friend is in law school there and had done some internship or something for a local city councilman and we had tickets to the grandstand at the courthouse(?) or some fancy building. It was wherever the floats would stop and the people would toast and make speeches and stuff. Was that near where you were?

    By Blogger America's Next Top Podcast, at 2:28 AM  

  • I was actually at the VERY END of the parade...At the convention center and the mall...It took 4 hours for the parade to get to us. I've never been so bored before in my life and my friends and I just sat around (hope I didn't get any infections myself) and set our drinks on fire. Harry Jr. looked pissed that he had to be on the float that long, but then again he does it every year so he should know that it takes FOREVER...It was fun though, even though I had the "Bourbon Street Smell" on my clothes afterwards...You know what I'm talking about...

    P.S. My friend (another ANTM fanatic) and I were at a dress rehearsal for one of our concerts last night and everytime someone made an obvious mistake, we yelled out, "What the Hell?!" (a la Dionne).

    By Anonymous Tiffany, at 10:27 AM  

  • i love the three little pig bottoms! HILERRRIUS

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:08 AM  

  • DONT lose the tangents! i love them. i will always listen to ur podcast like 10 times of the same antm episode cuz i just love your rants. I LOVE YOU ALL!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:38 PM  

  • Wholahy from Taiwan!
    Just checking in to say hi to everyone! We leave tomorrow :( but we'll be happy to get back so we can start the podcast again. Can't wait to see what we missed this week!
    Amy and Aaron

    By Blogger America's Next Top Podcast, at 2:05 AM  

  • fly safe, bitches

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:31 AM  

  • you missed a recap!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:52 PM  

  • calm down anomoose,

    missing you guys,im starting to get the shakes i need my antpodcast maybe jael can hook me up with some coke instead.

    By Anonymous emma, at 6:34 AM  

  • Or a hula hoop...

    By Anonymous Tiffany, at 6:35 AM  

  • HA! My friend just told me about this and I love your podcast! My sister and I watch ANTM religiously and you point out all the stuff that we notice like Manis' deaf accent and her confused face! I HATE IT TOO! It is so ugly. Until she is actually posing Manis makes the most angering faces.

    By Anonymous lyricalcatt, at 1:02 PM  

  • Ok so I just started listenint to this podcast and it is fucking awesome. I have been sudying for AP exams and listening to this podcast while trying to write about Margaret Thatcher has been sweet.
    Can't wait for the next podcast!

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  • Well, what can I think? the best part in this article was about America's Next Top Model! ha ha ha I'm the biggest fan. I hope you can still posting this. Who cares about Tyra?

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