Tyra Hates Blewish American Princesses

Following Whitney's inevitable booting, the girls decided have a detente and frolic in the pool. Since there is a pool involved, we already know that Jael and Natasha are going to be there. But we also see that Renee and Brit are there as well. Jael, who does not know the meaning of the word "armistice," whips out her guns. Renee's soul cancer creeps back and she cattily (or truthfully) admits that Jael's not a really good model. Things we learn this week include: Brit has no short term memory, Cycle 2's April has a successful career doing interviews, there is room for one more gay man on this show, Brit has no short term memory, it is possible for Dionne to have a mediocre week and still be charming (to me at least), the spirit of Steve Irwin lives on in Renee, and Brit has no short term memory.

The reason why America's Next Top Model needs to be a good speaker is that sometimes modeling jobs require models to talk. They usually don't have to come up with the words, but they have to say them. Cycle 2's winner Yoanna had a steady gig on The Look for Less. Since she was probably busy gracing the pages of GoFugYourself, ANTM instead gives us Cycle 2's April, who used to host the UPN's internet show about Top Model. Since Tyra is determined to hire every unemployed homo in West Hollywood, the models get pointers from other actor/comedian. The girls try to learn how to have a good interview with less than ideal subjects. The two we learn about are: blabber mouths and quiet types. The next phase is to take their newfound skills and interview each other. The interviews are somewhat combative with the girls trying to insult each other while asking questions.

Since the girls just learned how to be next Barbara Walt... scratch that, um, Tyra Ban..., no. Fuck it, let's just say Elizabeth Hasselback, this week's challenge is to interview people on the streets. The big twist is that the girls have to interview people in AUSTRALIA. By the time it takes Natasha's brain to process that information, she nearly has a seizure. Tyra in a kangaroo outfit and a live kangaroo were not enough to convey that information. I so would have paid money to see her weave come off with that kangaroo mask.

Top Model CG Plane! Australia! As soon as the girls disembark, they are met by Erika Heynatz, the first host of Australia's Next Top Model. Erika outlines the first challenge. The girls get to play correspondent for the Tyra Show and have to interview Australians on fashion using Aussie slang. In order to help, the girls are given a primer on key words to use. Of course, this sets off Brit's Woe-is-MEter, because she has trouble with her short term memory due to injuries suffered from a car accident. She apparently forgets that she has to interview Aussies and scores an interview with an older American tourist. Dionne thinks, "Oh that's cool," is Aussie slang. Jael strikes some weird poses while she interviews people. Renee appears to do a good job as she interviews people on the beach. Jaslene and Natasha ask questions. The winner, whose interview will be featured on the Tyra show, will be announced during panel.

The CoverGirl commercial rears its ugly head once again. After last cycle's Catalan travesty, the producers decided the let the girls speak English. But the models have to do using an Aussie accent. While seemingly easy, this twist does pose a challenge to most of the girls. Dionne and Jaslene have noticeable regional accents. Brit has no short term memory. Natasha is not a native speaker and has thick Russian accent. Jael is Jael.

Renee goes first and does a pretty good job channeling the Croc Hunter, but looks strangely mannish and older. Jaslene pulls it together by the sixth take. Jael and Dionne struggle. Within one minute, the former cries, goes crazier, decides to become Captain Planet: Defender of the Universe, plays with a sheep, and climbs a tree. Natasha squints a little but gets things done. Brit (looking a lot like Rachel Weisz) struggles with memorizing the lines. I don't know if you've heard, but she was in a car accident which really affected her short term memory.

A great outback shot of Tyra transitions to really well done-up Tyra Banks. Kudos Aussie make-up people. There are prizes. There are judges. There is one girl whose ass is getting shipped back to America. Natasha gets evaluated first and the judges praise her efforts despite the language barrier. She gets some points off for relying on that pouty thing she does. Dionne needs to camp things up a bit. Jaslene was really committed to the accent but has some massive frown lines. Renee does a good accent, but needs to be more feminine. Jael apparently looks like an anarchist making fun of a CoverGirl. Tyra needs to tell her to be an anarchist making fun of a CoverGirl, but be more subtle about it or something. I'm not sure. If I don't get it, there is no way in hell Jael did either. Brit is told that fashion has no sympathy or empathy and that she needs to find a way to work with her limitations. Maybe she should have used a combination of informative tattoos and Polaroids to get through the photo shoot and solve the mystery of who killed her wife.

Natasha gets called first and surprisingly wins this week’s correspondent challenge. I think the point of this cycle is about going to extremes, but then pull it back. That's what Tyra thinks Renee, Jaslene and Dionne need to be better at. The bottom two is Brit-brit and Jael. Brit needs to stop her bitching and work with her limitations and Jael is a ghastly mess. Jael is released back into society armed with a wig and a tutu. Look out, evil doers! I am actually impressed she lasted this long.

Next week: Crikey! Shite happens, mate!

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