Tyra Loves the Extra Chromosome

For my impending graduation from UT, Tyra gave me the gift that I have always wanted: a Top Model I hate even more than Naima (C.4). Between this, the renewal of One Tree Hill and the cancellation of Veronica Mars (fuck you, Dawn Ostroff), the CW is on my shit list. The promos promise us a finale full of fun and surprises. Since the Top Model finale never deviates too much, one surprise is that Renee wasn't in the final two. This is kinda shocking, because she seemed to be doing well in the final challenge. The other surprise is that Nata's husband isn't hideous as we thought he would be.

The first part is always the CoverGirl commercial shoot. The commercial also doubles as the winner's first "My Life as a Cover Girl" spot. We have a special guest, CariDee, who apparently decided to become some kinda of flapper slut or the world's fiercest mop. The girls have to ad-lib the words. Every girl has one shitty take and then one great take. Natasha, located after a photo shoot, explains things phonetically. But it can be expected because she is the ESL model. Renee, dressed as a disco ball, is on a boat. I think she talks about how motherhood ruined her life, but Top Model has given her a fresh start or something. Her second take is much better. Jaslene is in the back seat of a car (too easy) and decided to spice it up a little by speaking a little Spanish. Jay calls the move brilliant, which, um, okaaaaaay. But her voice does a lot sound better in Spanish. Her English is the aural equivalent of a steamroller.

In the meantime, the longest day of Caridee's life has finally concluded.

This is a hard decision because no one outright sucked. Natasha has a difficult time smiling. She looks like she's constipated in her photo. Renee looks like she’s a 60 year old woman trying to look 40. Jaslene's photo is not commercial enough, but she did reign in her massive jaw line and for that she is called first. Apparently, Natasha's adaptability is more important that Renee's agedness because Natasha is the second finalist. Tyra hates Tiki Hut Trash. Jaslene is shocked or she loves giving showing us her O-face. I so had Renee and Natasha pegged to be the final two. But Renee does give Natasha some inspiring words about winning it for the mama's. I wish she would have told her that she walks like a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poo hanging out of her ass. Ah well, see ya later, grandma. Don't let the sliding door at Luby's hit your ass on the way out.

In an interview, Jaslene threatens to rip out all of Natasha's hair if she wins. I know this is supposed to make us think that Jas is determined to win and really wants it. But it only makes her seem muy, muy loca. It wit, Natasha did interview that Jaslene is the weakest model because of her photos. They probably won’t be BFFs after this.
We waste no time in jumping to the fashion show. Like last year's "Ghost Bride" debacle, Top Model has another stupid ass theme this year: it’s Encino Model! The first pass, the girls have to walk around the runway acting like primordial man just discovering fashion. I guess they couldn't afford the rights to that song from Space Odyssey. Also, primordial equals stupid head pieces.

Natasha starts off strong with both passes. During her second pass, her dress falls off but it doesn’t faze her. Her fierceness seems to taper off towards the end though. I forgot what Jaslene does, but Tyra says she started off weaker but gained momentum towards the end. The girls close out the shot perched on ladders while vogueing. I am sure Benny Ninja would be proud. Better than last cycle, but not as awesome as the Thailand fashion show or the South African fashion show. (Even if that one begat us fucking Naima.)

At the final panel, it’s pretty obvious that Jaslene is going to take it all. Her face is confident and her hair is better. Also, Natasha looks a little too mopey and a little chunky compared to Jaslene. Also, all the photos that the panel goes thorough (political stance, high school) are all ones the Natasha sucked at. As Jaslene's name is called, Natasha is very congratulatory to Jaslene. In her interview that she is happy to go home and see her family. Even though Tyra hates Rushkie Business, Natasha takes the crown as the classiest girl this cycle. I am sure that she will be fine in the future. (She also loves Texas and that always scores points with me.)
Jaslene is crowned America’s Next Top Model. Being the drag queen/Carmen Miranda/Latina stereotype she has been portrayed as, she of course decides to salsa. Jaslene gives her "inspirational" speech about persevering in the face of adversity or rejection or something. I dunno.

Coming up: We take a well deserved reprieve from this show because I think we are getting kinda sick of it. Peace out, bitches!

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Click here to listen to our twenty-eighth episode

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Extra Stuff we make references to in this episode:

Liza!:

Liza Minnelli on Larry King (2006)
Uploaded by RichJuz

Straight guy at gay bathhouse:

Living Dolls:

More fan art. Yay! Sorry for the delayed post of these images. Thanks to Frances, Emma, and