Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Girls Get "Body" Slammed

An action-packed episode of Top Model This Week.

The gift of Apple Bottom Jeans prompts to a fight between Allison and Fatima. Its so very Alien vs. Predator, i.e. whoever wins, we lose. Fatima is being a bitch when she says that Allison has big ass. Allison take umbrage (as a former anorexic) then measures herself (as a future anorexic) and then uses Barbie dolls(!) to mock Fatima's ass (as a kloset Klan kunt.) I am no fan of Fatima, but that shits uncalled for and embarrassingly infantile. Also infantile is Stacy Ann. Between her childlike pleading to Tyra's portrait to showing her ass on the camera, I think I may be in like with her.

This week is the first Cover Girl Make Up challege of the cycle. Its the typical three minute/1 mirror make up challenge. This year, the girls have to compete in Walmart. The winner, Claire, gets to have her mug in a Cover Girl display in Walmarts across the country. Um, how is that a reward.

It also the make over episode and the only real tears come from Fatima. She gets a long weave and declares the process one of the most painful experiences of her life. (Not touching that one.) Her makeover makes her look really good. There are no outright disasters this season. A lot of girls go blond, especially Anya and Claire who go really, really blond. They also shave the other side of Claire's head. Marvita gets a horse hair mane which makes her look like this: They give Dominique an unflattering mom cut. They do something to Allison which make her look less like Sarah Silverman and more like Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. The cycle marks the return of Miss Jay getting a fake over. Also returning are those strappy swinsuit things the models have to pose in after the make over.

Tyra reads that the models are going to meet the "Body." At first I thought the models were going to wrestle former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura. It turns the models are going to photo in Elle "The Body" MacPherson's underwear, or as she adorably calls them "knickers." During wardrobe, it looks like there squeezing Whitney into a girdle. It turns out its just a corset (po-ta-to, po-tah-to). Most of the models seem to do well. Dominique thinks she has a high fashion look. Allison, who has previous modeling experience, thinks she does super duper great. Of course in reality, she stinks up the joint.

The panel seems to like Lauren's photo even though she has no idea what the hell she's doing. Kat's picture looks like that of a Russian mail order bride. Somewhere Natasha's ears must be burning. Fatima and Marvita take some strong photos. I am convinced that Marvita cannot do anything other than that one pissed look she has. The bottom two are Allison and Dominique with Allison being let go. She bursts into tears while I think the real daughter of the inventor of the toaster strudel wouldn't go out like such a pussy. I normally would feel bad to see someone's dreams crushed, but then I remember she's an skank who I hated even before her Barbie incident this week.

Click here to listen to our thirty-third episode

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Hi party people,
So, I was supposed to read the below aloud on the last podcast, but like a dufus, I completely forgot. Here are Max's notes on the first two episodes of cycle ten.
Hey guys, sorry I can't be there for the podcast. Here are some of my notes from the last two episodes to read aloud on the podcast:

- I'm glad that Tuesday Therapies with Marvita® is back. But I swear,she's gonna end up getting so mad at Fatima that one days she's just gonnago and sew up the labia on her face, too.

- Did anybody else think that Allison looked like Mary Louise Parker? Iwas excited that she wanted to "annihilate" the competition, but too badshe has so far sucked.

- I'm disappointed in Tyra this year. She usually starts off with someserious issue. Instead of biofuel vans and photoshoots about the dangersof smoking, it's high school cheerleading, Hummer limos, and theglamorization of homelessness. Booo.

- Hooray for there being a plethora of Amys! You can never have enoughAmy in your life. ;-)

- Anybody else wanna sew up Anya's face labia?

- There is some serious ugliness on the show this season. Tyra, slowdown, America doesn't have that many beautiful women (at least that wantbe on your show). Now we're stuck with the tragic tranny boring horseynamed Dominique. Neeeeeigh.

- I hope that that ragamuffin Amis takes her name change and runs with it.Top Model hasn't yet had a transitioning transexual contestant on it, hasit?

- Paulina Porizkova told Kim that she had a dark side, and to bring itforth, and then she made a weird sound with her mouth, as if she werehacking something up. Is that model code for "you need to throw up andlose weight?"

- Marvita is Polish?

- I was very proud of Kim for not giving a shit. That should be a newfeature, where one girl each week insults something Tyra cares about,right before walking off the show. Props to Kim!Till next week!


Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Girls Go Derelicte

**Many thanks to Randy once again for our beautiful new banner!!!**

The best way to deal with Top Model Overkill is the skip an entire cycle of it. After getting burned out on the disappointment that was Cycle 8, thank god I took a breather from the even worse Cycle 9. Hopefully, Cycle 10 will be an improvement. I am not holding my breath.

Every time, Tyra gives us a moral quandary to ponder. Last year it was: How far can a girl with Aspereger's go in this competition? This time: Is it wrong to hate a girl who was forced to undergo female circumcision? In between using a CW reality show as a platform against genital mutliation, Fatima is kind of a bitch. I didn't watch last week, but I read she managed to piss of a few girls. This week she drew the ire of both Amis (nee Amy) and Marvita. She must have balls of steel, because Marvita is one dude I wouldn't want to get into a barfight with.

This cycle's house is based on some lame-ass inspiration theme. Along with photos of previous winners, there are "inspirational" quotes from past contestants. We see one bon mot from Robin (Cycle 1). Unfortunately, I don't think any of my favorite quotes will make it on those walls. Such favorites include: "Bitch poured beer on my weave," "Even when I am sitting next to her, all I can smell is bitch," and "I'm sorry if I don't spew rainbows incessantly." Like last cycle, this house is also smoke-free. Luckily, some of these brain trusts figured out that you have to go outside to light a fag. Kimberly mentions that there are two no-smoking signs on the door. I am sure she thought they cancelled each other out. Oh, we'll get back to Kimberly in a minute.

The girls go on a tour of New York which (surprisingly) concludes with a challenge. More surprising is 1)that the fashion show takes place in Time Square, 2) There are more than fifteen people in the audience, and 3) it's for an actual design house, Badgely Mischka. (Note: In what I am convinced is a roundabout shout-out to us: James Mischka is a fellow Rice alum. Along with Candace Bushnell and Alberto Gonzales.) The only one who manages to completely suck at this stage is Marvita, who is looking down the entire time. Kimberly mentions all the expensive clothes she is forced to wear and how it doesn't make sense to her to spend so much money on fashion.

Later, the girls get to go to Elite Model Management to meet their potential boss, a.k.a. that douche from Elite Model Management. TDFEMM brings out Paulina Porizkova to critique each of the girls. Before unleashing her Czech terror, the tells them that this is part of the job. She tells Amis that she has a bad complexion (which she does). Says one girl has a squashed face. And she tells Dominique that she looks like the tranny version of Robin Wright Penn. Which, hee. Even though I think she looks like more fucked up version of Coryn. Although I wouldn't trust the taste of the woman who has to fuck Ric Ocasek, Paulina seems pretty cool so far.

So the first photo shoot of every cycle has some message or theme that makes us think Tyra cares. This time around it's the plight of the homeless. Of course this segues into a plug for Tyra's other show where she had to dress up as a homeless person for a day. It was a life altering experience, blah, blah, blah. Too bad there were no dolphins in the alley she had to stay in for the night. For this shoot, the models will be dressed in Mugatu's Derelicte. The shoot will also feature actual homeless women who will be dressed as extras. Still way too many girls to talk about individually, but I think Marvita and Fatima (who both lived in shelters at one point) are pretty affected by this shoot. In an unrelated note, I think I already hate Allison.

At panel, Tyra introduces us to our surprise new judge! Its Paulina Porizkova! Since CW releases everything via press release, none of us are surprised. Too many girls to go through, but here are some random observations: there are too many girls here! What's up with the one side of Claire's head? Lauren... why is she even here? Anya's picture was not that great. Loved when Amis admitted to staring into the light source. This plus-sized Whitney is a lot better than the last one. The important thing that happened at panel was that Kimberly quit. She goes on some mumbling speech about expensive clothes. Tyra tries to pull the "I picked you over six other girls who actually wanted to be here" bit and then asks her if she wants to leave. Kimberly is all "Smell ya later, Ty Ty" and walks away. I'm sure it was cutaways to the other girls' shocked reactions and the OMINOUS MUSIC OF DOOM that played everytime Kimberly opened her mouth that made this moment more dramatic than it really was. Sadly, she had one of the better pictures.

There is no reprieve from elimination this week. The bottom two are Amis and Atalya. Amis is this cycle's "You're so wrong you're right" girl. Atalya falls into that dangerous category of being pretty, but neither stunning nor weird looking enough to be a model. Since she also doesn't have much of a personality or trauma to exploit, Atalya is unceremoniously cut first. Tyra tells here that she can get some work as a commercial model, which I am sure is a back-handed compliment of some sort.

Next week: Makeovers! Do we still care?

Click here to listen to our thirty-second episode

Good quote from TelevisionWithoutPity about Tyra:

" the awesomeness of Tyra Banks: she's not a genius because she gives people what they want, she's a genius because she gives people what she wants, which just happens to be a cross-section of what people want, by virtue of the fact that she is shallow and pointless."