Saturday, March 24, 2007

Tyra Hates Baby Ty ty

Alright, this picture isn't from the latest episode, but I just find it particularly amusing.

Don't stay tuned for Javier's show notes. Sorry!

Click here to listen to our twenty-first episode

We need a drag name for Jaslene! Send me your entries and we will take a vote and reward you with non existent internet fame.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Tyra Hates the Shnoz of Gold

Time for my favorite time of the cycle: MAKEOVERS! But before we get to the vast improvements, let’s talk about the drama. Previously, we have not seen or heard too much of Brittany, other than she apparently can walk and take great photos. Apparently, she is also a bit of a whiny, crybaby brat who is constantly complaining. I guess Renee's maternal instincts haven't kicked in just yet, because she is constantly bitching about Brittany's bitching. Brit-brit is also getting on the rest of the girls' nerves as well, because both of the big girls are also annoyed with her. The latter even going so far as to call her out on it. Not in the bitchy way Renee does, but more in a "I like you and all, but I'll give you something to cry about if you don't shut the fuck up." We also learn that Cassandra is relatively nice, normal person who is trying to be competitive but still friendly with the rest of these girls. Her days are pretty much numbered (Spoiler.)

The girls go to a salon and Tyra uses her "acting" skills to segue into a montage of girls hating their makeovers. These ungrateful bitches go all the way back to the days of yore when Top Model was still shiny and new on the waning UPN. Here a bit of a breakdown: Diana goes lighter, Sarah goes darker, Cassandra gets a frizzy 'fro, Renee goes shorter (I was hoping she'd get decapitated), Jaslene gets trimmed and volume, Whitney gets extensions and volume, Felicia goes darker, longer, and with bangs, Dionne gets Kelis style short do, Natasha goes for heavy bangs and chocolate brown. The two most drastic and painful are Brittany and Jael who get longer extensions that have to be sewn in. Brittany's is pretty successful but when Jael is almost finished, Jay tells her that she is getting the Tyra Banks Special, i.e. The Mia Farrow Pixie Cut that she bestows on one girl each cycle. After sitting in a chair for eight hours of pain, Jael is a little upset but is overall a pretty good sport about it. On average, most of the makeovers are pretty successful: Jaslene, Brittany, and Cassandra looked remarkably better. The two worst are probably Jael (not a fan of the short hair on her) and Natasha (who looks like she is wearing a Cleopatra wig). Most of the girls' seem to like their new do's, except Brit-brit is constantly bitching about all the pain she's in.

Back at the house, Jael gets some terrible news: a close friend of hers OD'ed. Naturally, Jael is unhinged. Brittany and Whitney try to confront her. Normally, I am not a fan of overt religiosity. But unlike C.1's Robin (who made the entire house hold hands and pray) and C.7's Monique (who would openly read the Bible by the pool and yet be a mega bitch to her housemates), Whitney wasn't trying to cram God down Jael's throat but was rather trying to comfort her. (Here is where Amy rolls the eyes.)
There is one scene where Jael and Brittany are sitting by the pool while Renee and (apparent Cunt by Association) Diana are bitching about Brit-brit being all shallow and fake in trying to help Jael. Instead of actually helping her, they complain about the people who do. All this escalates into a confrontation between Renee and Brittany that concludes with B telling Renee that she is kicking her ass in this competition and Renee responding by giving her a blurry finger.

The challenge is a makeup challenge where the girls don sundresses and have to put make up within a time limit. Brittany complains (again) of digestive issues and promises to the best she can. Apparently, even at a crippled state she is able to win the challenge and select two girls to be part of Seventeen magazine photo shoot. She picks Sarah (I know!) and Jael. Cassandra was unable to complete the challenge and was disqualified. The most disappointing thing about this competition is a lack of some Seventeen's Atoosa. I gots to get me some Atoosa and her cheekbones of awesomeness.

Not only are we blessed with the makeover, but we also get the Nekkid shoot as well. The theme is sweets, and the girls are going to be covered in candy, syrup, chocolate, and for some masochistic reason ice cream. This prompts Brittany (again!) to bitch about holding cold ice cream and being naked. Felicia, in a moment of great frankness, tells her that it is going to be cold for everyone. The rivalry between Brit-brit and Renee heats up, but even that bitch has to admit Brittany did a awesome job. Sarah compares her to Kate Moss which Renee promptly dismisses. Struggling this week is Diana, who does not really know how to work with her curves. Jaslene tries to show her personality in her shoot. Her voice is really deep in her interview so I think she's been forgetting to take her estrogen supplements.

A candy store pic of Tyra leads us into this week’s panel. Tyra is really taking the whole pirate/fortune teller them to a whole new level complete with frizzy 'do to go with the ensemble. This week, many of the girls are told to let their hair down and not accessorize so much. Which is a bit of a departure when past girls were told to pull their hair back. Jael works through the pain and really delivers a great photo. Brittany also does really well and is lauded by all the judges even though she bitches (again!) on how much her weave hurts. Sarah finally takes a decent photo which is compared side by side with Renee's weaker photo. Apparently, Sarah has something in the eyes. The judges rave over Jael's photo who she dedicates to her friend. I'm glad Tyra got to put on her concerned face but I am actually shocked that host, mentor, and executive producer was not aware that something tragic happened to one of her girls. Other shit happens too and the girls are dismissed while the judges deliberate.

Although Jael takes a pretty good photo and has a newly deceased friend, its not enough to get first pic this week. That honor goes to Brittany, much to the chagrin of half the girls left. There are some weird facial close ups as other girls get called. This week’s bottom three is Jaslene, Cassandra and Diana. Jaslene is reprimanded for her apparent lack of personality. Cassandra has plateaued. Diana cannot really pose and she is kinda boring (and a C.B.A.). Even though Cassandra is very likable, the judges feel that Diana can show more improvement. All I think is that she can show more growth, if you know what I mean. Cassandra takes things pretty well. (Because she's a nice, normal person and that shit ain't gonna cut it.)

Next week: Renee wants to kick some ass and take names later. Since she's featured in the previews that probably mean that she's safe next week. Bum city.

Click here to listen to our twentieth episode

Check out Aaron's sorta new baby, COUCHVILLE!

Oh, apparently Jael has gotten over the death of her friend. Read the blog. As usual, I'm more concerned about the cat in the closet. Isn't that just cruel?? (Thanks to Alexandra for the link and pics!)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

If you've been missing ANTM

Hola, international listeners!
I've gotten some emails that you over sea-ers haven't been able to watch cycle 8 because of air delay. So I'm going to post episodes 3 below (couldn't find the premier episode (1 and 2) 2 hour special on youtube, sorry!) so you guy can catch up! I haven't been able to find a working episode 4 yet, but I'll post it when/if I do!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tyra Hates the Good Little Bad Girl

Someone must be approaching their high school reunion, because it’s "Back to School, Back to Cool" week in Tyra Land. Featured girls in this episode are Jaselene, who is having trouble being away from home or missing her mother or some crap like that; Natasha, who's having some issues with the whole English thing; Renee, who seems hellbent on starting shit with everyone who isn't her kid; and Samatha, who is miss whatever it is that makes Alabama so effing rad. The first Tyra mail clues the girls that they are doing something that babies learn how to do. Since babies are only good for crying (which all these bitches are good at), defficating, and sucking the life out of everything that I hold dear, the girls correctly guess that it is the walking lesson. Usually walking lesson means Ms. Jay in ridonkulous outfits. This week we are treated to Band Master Jay, School Marm Jay, and Drag Prom Queen Jay. Lesson the first: walk. Lesson the second: walk with two other girls. It doesn't seem that hard, but some of the girls struggle with the "choreography" of walking in a line, then stopping, then cross over, then walking back. Natasha stuggles because the only works she can understand in English are "Martian" and "mouse and squirel." Jaslene doesn’t take orders too well, and decides since she walks "all day, everyday" she'll just do whatever the hell she wants. This episode's challenge is a prom themed runway show with each girl wearing three prom dresses: contemporary, 80s, and ghetto fabulous (i.e. tranny whore). Due to the quick editing, it’s kinda hard to tell who does well. There's some walking, pointless posing, sashaying, and a whole lot of colliding. Apparently, Britney does well enough to impress the guest judge and she is deemed the winner. Her "prize" is a giant trophy with a heel on it. Our prize is watching an eager and smiling Jaslene being told that she is the worst walker in the history of humanity. You can see her face fall frame by frame and it is tragi-larious.

Back at the house, Renee baits Jaslene into bitching about her poor performance. Jaslene also hears Felicia talking about her disappointment which causes her to freak out and confront Felicia in the bathroom. Fucking Renee remarks that Jaslene is crying in the telephone room, which highlights that bitch's hypocrisy since she's only done two things since she's been on the show: crying and being a fucking cunt. Natasha decides to make the Tyra-mail an E.S.L. lesson. The blank stares of her housemates and cricket sound effect #2 tells us that failed miserably.

This week's photoshot is high school cliché. There are still too many girls to write about so here's a mass recap. Renee gets pissed that other girls get relatively easy assignments, which is true: Sarah (flirt), Jael (nerd)), Cassandra (cheerleader), Dionne (bad girl), Whitney (mean girl), Brittney (valedictorian), and Diana (class president) are relatively safe. But Renee chooses Samantha (bad rep/slut) and Jaslene (weirdo) to bitch about. First, Jaslene's makeup/outfit made her look atrocious and Samantha was so uncomfortable looking like a hoochie. Also, Fucking Renee bitches about Jael and Sarah being at her shoot, but that doesn’t stop her from watching other girls' shoot. Ugh. Fucking Renee. Natasha fails to understand the concept of teacher's pet and pretty much screws up another photo shoot.

At panel, Jaslene and Felicia's photos get mad raves. Jaslene brings up the house drama, which causes Renee roll her eyes at no one in particular. Tyra basically tells her "Suck it up, chica!" Natasha gets criticized for her horrible photo shoot. Mr. Jay compares her to season 3's Ann who also was a pretty girl who could not take direction to save her sweet Eva-luvin' ass. Natasha quite good naturedly turns the criticism into a compliment and counters that Ann was one of the better looking girls that season. If Natasha were on Heroes, her special powers would be to squint and turn critiques into compliments.

The order of pictures doesn’t really matter, since Renee (whose picture was kinda terrible) gets her print before a lot of much more deserving girls. Jaslene gets hers first. The bottom two are: Natasha and Samantha. Apparently, there’s still some more of Natasha's whole mail order bride/fish out of water story to exploit because she is given a reprieve. Sam's little dang-nabbit stomp is kinda cute. Pity, because Samantha was one of the nicer and prettier girls this cycle. Ah well, we all know that pretty won't cut it in this world.

Next week: Makeovers! The never-before-mentioned rivalry between Renee and Brittney heats up and something terrible happens to Jael. (and she gets some terrible news over the phone.)

Click here to listen to our nineteenth episode

Please don't forget to send us lots of emails at, or leave us a voicemail at 206-350-TYRA (8972)

Also, please keep adding good reviews for us on iTunes so we can get bumped to their features day. Sniff.

And please please please vote for us on podcast alley

Last but not least, Idol Chatter is finally back!! YAAAAY!

And now, just for funsies, check out these Tyra dolls:

Tyra, circa 1990:

And the Tyra of today:
Thanks to the awesomely gorgeous Rachael for the links!

And here's the video we were talking about during the hate shoutouts:

Aaron Beep, Amy Beep, Javier Beep, Max Beep, and Scotty BEEEEEP!!!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Twiggy, Twiggles, Twiggums

Did one of you guys do this?
I sure hope so. If you did, I'd be so proud of you.
By the way, I did an image search of Twiggy, and this picture popped up:

Just wanted to share.

BTW, here's an audio interview with Kathleen. I know, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tyra Hates the Soundbite Potential

Welcome back to yet another cycle of America's Next Top Model. Back for another season of vagina arms, bitch's classing, the awesome gayness (or gay awesomeness) that is the Jays and the dashing (or smarmy) Nigel. Since the CW (formerly UPN) always releases the final thirteen girls before the pre-show, I won't even bother fully recapping it. Vying to be the next big thing in modeling since CariDee include a chatty Cathy, a pink tutu, a Russian mail order bride, a repossessed weave, two plus-sized girls, a human canvas, and a subdued (well, subdued for her) Jaslene. Girls meet, girls bitch, bitches get sent home. Of these, the blabbermouth (Dionne), the tutu (Jael), the Ruskie (Natasha), the big girls (Diana and Whitney), and the Jaslene (Jaslene) make it to the Top Model house with their newest best friends, or worst enemies. The House this season is based on the History of Top Model. In addition to the ubiquitous Tyra shots, the house is decorated based on the previous winners. I'm sure the Yoanna room has a barf bag and toilette, the Eva room has some L Word dvds and flannel, and the Naima room has massive amounts of ennui. No word if she-who-must not-be-named has a room. Since it's still the first week, the only stand out personalities (i.e. girls I already hate) are Sarah, who is more Melrose than Melrose, and Renee, the 20 year old two faced bitch who won't shut up about the infant she loves so much yet abandoned to be on a reality show on the CW. Did I mention she was a bitch? The first challenge brings the girls to a local Goodwill that involves a patented ANTM three minute challenge to pull an outfit out of thin air. As Kathleen observes, they are dealing other people's crap. Not literally. I have to give the girl props for the correct use of the word "literally." (“i.e., me.” – Amy) Even some of my college educated friends manage to misuse that word, literally. After the frenzy, the girls have to strut their outfits down a runway for an auction with an audience consisting of a few old people, a couple of gays, and one recurring guest star on Gilmore Girls (synergy). The girl whose outfit gets the "highest" bid wins. The "big" winner is Jael whose "prize" is getting the sign the $286.50 check. That's a lame turnout, ladies. Fuck, Ms. Jay's foundation probably cost more that that.


Jael's victory must have tuckered the poor girl out because she's sick as we go to this week’s photoshoot. Not one to shy away from controversy, this first photo shoot is based on opposite beliefs. Thanks Top Model, for characterizing these polarizing political times with a photo-shoot done by Nigel and his boner. Still too many girls to write about individually, but let’s just say the overall consensus is "meh." Apparently, hula-hoops have restorative abilities in Jael's mind. (I get the feeling that "in Jael's mind" will be a phase I use a lot this cycle) Panel. Judges. The Twigster. Prizes. Tyra in a bandanna. This week's photos aren't great. They’re not bad, but most of them are not good. Jaslene (executionix) and Britney (pro Anna Wintour) do pretty well. Felicia (Baby Ty Ty) also does pretty will with her traditional marriage shot. Samantha (gay marriage) gets raves, but she is already being fingered with the dreaded pretty but boring tag. She's like a prettier version of Meggg. In the middle are the hefties, Whitney (pro Ellen and Portia) and Diana (pro Lara Croft:Tomb Raider) Disappointing this week are Sarah (life in prison) and Rene (anti-gun). Jael apparently doesn't want to do well because she wants people to like her. In Jael's mind (see?), people love losers. Best moment of the entire episode: Kathleen's lame anti-fur photo leads to her hilarious theory of where fur coats should come from.

(Awww. Simba sad.)

So the first bottom two are Jael and Kathleen. Even though neither of these girls are going to be joining MENSA anytime soon, they both seem nice and are pretty entertaining to watch. Jael is given another chance and Kathleen is sent back to Crooklyn. She actually seems pretty cool about it and is grateful that Tyra thinks she has potential. Jeez, I would have kept her around for a few weeks just for her bromides and observations. Next week: Sarah flashes some little boys her little boy boobies and Jaslene has meltdown numero uno!

Click here to listen to our eighteenth episode


Aaron made a cool new site for his tv guide, but better. Here it is, COUCHVILLE!

Don't forget to visit our forum (hosted by The Planet podcast)! It's been getting old and rusty since the end of cycle 7, but I hope to start it again for cycle 8.

Some NSFW pictures of Jael here. (Thanks, Becky!)

Check out this exciting new blog by a fellow listener!

Picture of one of our fan's sister:

If you sent me something to post and I didn't post it, please email it again to