Ten Cycles of Low Self-Esteem:The Ten Most and Least Bangable Top Model Contestants + Episode 34
10. Whitney (Cycle 10) – We are as surprised as you are that a plus-sized model made the top ten list, but we have a couple of chubby chasers in our group. Whitney reminds us so much of a young Anna Nicole Smith, that she brings out the necrophilia in all of us.
8. Kelle (Cycle 3) - She had the best body of any Top Model contestant in the history of the show. Add to that the fact that it took all of 5 minutes to completely destroy her self-confidence, and you've got yourself one hell of a girlfriend. We'll happily let her put her 'snout' wherever she likes, preferably our pants.
7. Christina (Cycle 4) – With crazy soulless eyes and bone straight hair, she reminds us of every snobby sorority girl that we have ever met. What she lacks in personality, charisma, and warmth, she makes up for by giving the best eye-fucking stares ever.
6. Norelle (Cycle 3) – Deep down, we all want a dumbass girlfriend. From not knowing what was Japanese food to staring bug-eyed at Tocarra's boobs, she won our lust. Post makeover, she became one of the hottest contestants. Plus, she could finally give blowjobs, thanks to the new lack of braces.
5. CariDee (Cycle 7) – The only Top Model winner to make the list, CariDee was a goofball, and therefore hot as hell. We love a girl who looks like she has always just bonged a beer. Let's put it this way…we'd love to cover 72% of her body in our semen.
4. Kyle (Cycle 5) – Tyra felt the need to constantly remind Kyle that she was 'not weird enough' to be a model. We would like to remind Tyra that Kyle is hotter looking than her fatass ever was. Kyle came to judging panel and challenges in sweat suits and was still hotter than all the other girls, because she was the shit, and she knew it.
3. Tocarra (Cycle 3) – When we all started the list, every single brother responded that Tocarra had to be on the top of the list. We are not sure what it is about Tocarra. Perhaps it's the fact that you could brag for the rest of your life that you survived titty-fucking her; perhaps it's the fact that she kept a whole chicken under her bed. Who knows? My favorite moment from Tocarra comes from Top Model Exposed: "Ann and Eva…that was just gay!"
2. Sara (Cycle 6) – As the only model to actually contact us, Sara had to go high on the list. From amazing lips to a height of what I imagine to be 7 feet, she was nearly a perfect woman. What mall did they find her at, again? We want to go shopping for some DSLs. NOTE: Top Model Sara looks so much like our brother Max' girlfriend (also named Sarah) that we wonder which came first…masturbating to Sara on TV or slamming his girlfriend…hmmm.
1. Brooke (Cycle 7) – Brooke was so barely legal fuckable that it hurt us to even lay eyes on her. One of the brothers even printed out her picture from the wobbly runway photoshoot to place over his bed. She was young, cute, and too good for this show.
10. Robin (Cycle 1) – Robin was a whole lotta woman with a whole lotta issues. As both the oldest and fattest model of the first cycle, it’s no wonder that she makes the bottom ten chicks that we’d like to stick. We can only imagine how long the prayer circle would last after we asked for oral.
9. Wendy (Cycle 6) – Let it be known: stupid girls are hot, sad girls are not. We sympathize with Wendy’s plight in New Orleans, but we cannot sympathize with her lack of eyelashes and eyebrows. What caught her tears anyway? Post-makeover, she looked like J-Lo on queludes.
8. Victoria (Cycle 9) – As kids at a preppy university, we loathe what Victoria symbolizes. She’s the epitome of a smart, yet spoiled brat. Instead of trying to be hot, she always put her damn arms around her head in pictures. Something tells us that she does this because someone taught her how to masturbate wrong, and that is why she picks on Twiggy: sexual frustration.
7. Ebony (Cycle 9) – Besides looking like Count Chocula, Ebony had a lot of other things that made her unbangable. At all times she was either sporty a gummy smile or a stank face, and if either of those two expressions are her O face, then we are not interested.
6. Kathy (Cycle 6) – As the first eliminee of her cycle, we did not get a lot of time with Kathy, nor did we want any. Her feet were at least as big as ours, and she had a face to match. The icing on the cake was when she described her bald photo shoot look as “like a penis with ears.” I’m sorry, did she just describe herself as a dickhead? Well, she isn’t seeing ours.
5. Naima (Cycle 4) – For one thing, we would have no clue what color our baby would come out if we got Naima preggers. For another thing, she’s so damn Zen that we feel like we would have an even harder time than normal staying awake, post-boink.
4. Ann (Cycle 3) – Other than her outward appearance, we could not list one thing about Ann that didn’t scream “man.” Her height: man-ish. Her voice: man-ish. Her attitude and modeling ability: man-ish. Her penis: definitely man-ish.
3. Brittany (Cycle 8) – Brittany’s face looked like mashed potatoes. But not the regular kind of mashed potatoes that are yummy and delicious, but the school cafeteria style mashed potatoes. We all wish that we had a short-term memory disorder so that we could forget ever being exposed to her fugly face.
2. Amanda and Michelle (Cycle 7) – Top Model is the only show that we know that could take two of the hottest female stereotypes (lesbians and twins) and make it this unbangable. Amanda had her moments, but Michelle’s uber-ugliness overshadowed it so much that we had to put them both on the list.
1. Diana (Cycle 8) – I could go on for pages on the many reasons why Diana is utterly unbangable. To start, she actually weighs more (198 lbs., according to wikipedia) than 8 out of the 10 guys who came up with this list. Second, she could not model for shit. Literally, she couldn’t advertise fecal matter on a platter. She’s that bad. Lastly, she was so New Jersey trash no matter how hard she tried to hide it, it always shown through. We can summarize by saying that unlike 99% of the Top Model contestants, we actually WOULD kick her out of bed…if only we had the leg strength.