Sunday, July 22, 2007

Canada's Next Top Model, Season Two, Episode Five

I saw a behind-the-scenes of The Apprentice one time and it said they do things like deny the competitors decent sleep and only stock the house with junk food, which keeps everyone on edge and all hopped up on sugar. In comparison, CNTM exercises dramatic license and moves all of the girls into one room to pump up the drama, apparently needing half the apartment emptied quickly.

The girls are taken to The Yorkville Club for a spinning class, which loosens lips as much as joints. Mo talked about her drive and ambition. Tara talked about being lucky and things always going her way. Rebecca talks about moving forward with her fashion career, but I was transfixed with her face which was the same red shade as her hair. Sinead admitted she knows nothing about modeling. Tia talked about talking and talking and talking. Cori talked about her strong level of confidence, which is unusual since she's always crying. And that's when she threw up.

Next, Jay visits the apartment for the get-to-know-you interviews, and more talking. Mo feels she's working against her skin tone. Sinead loves everyone, but Jay tells her to trust no one. Jay tells Rebecca to act up more and show her personality. Tara tells Jay that her mom went blind seven months ago, from poison, no less. Cori talks about crying so Jay tells her to buck up. And what a surprise – Tia talks about talking. Also, Tia's teeth have those rounded corners that you get when there's something wrong with your nutrition when you're growing.

The girls are shuffled off to Flirty Girl Fitness for a lesson in Carmen Electra styled good old fashioned pole-dancing. They are given twenty minutes to learn a pole routine, and we are told that, "The girl that does the pole dance the best, that exudes the most sexuality, wins." Stacey McKenzie is documenting, I mean perving, the whole affair with her phone's camera feature. Mo got the giggles and collapses without doing much. Cori reminded me of the 'exotic walkers' you can see on amateur night at the seedier clubs. Sinead moved around the pole like a newborn pony – all gangly and timid. Rebecca gives it an admirable effort. Tia doesn't suck at all, despite her initial protests, and seems quite comfortable with flinging herself around the pole in a rather sexy fashion. I personally suspect that's because she's from Montreal, where many a college student uses dancing to pay their way through school. Hmm. Finally, after hearing so much about Tara's history as a 'dancer', we can safely rule out the possibility that it had anything to do with sensual pole-dancing. In fact, a little poking around Google with "Tara Marie Windspur" leads to the "Premiere Dance Academy". It's worth the trip just to see the kind of quality dancing she's referring to… Anyway, only Canadians would root for their competitors, and all the girls cheer each other on. The criteria for winning must have changed without warning because in the end it's NOT the most sexual/sensual dancer that wins, but we are told its the most improved. Cori is selected and she picks Rebecca and Tia to share in the prize of a trip to the spa. Tia pegs Tara as beating up on herself for not winning the dance challenge. Tara meanwhile quickly goes from focusing on her own performance to slamming Cori as trash.

This week is an editorial photo shoot and the girls are uglied up – I have no idea how this is supposed to be pretty in the end. Everyone loses their eyebrows under a Dermablend mask, and most of them lose their lip colour as well. Spooky. Then they have to do trampoline jumping while posing artfully. Nole loves Rebecca's ability and personality at the shoot; she may be taking Jay's advice to act out more. Part two of Cori's prize is 50% more frames plus analysis at the halfway point. Mo can't seem to stay on the trampoline, nor can Tia, who looks remarkably like a teletubbie. Tara's dancer tendencies are holding her back.

On to the assessments… Mo's photo made her look taller than she really is. Cori is learning and listening. I thought Rebecca rocked it. Sinead is told she's not going for it enough. Tara was deemed too graceful with her poses, but all I could think of was Kirsten Dunst doing 'spirit fingers' and jazz hands. I can't even tell you what they thought of Tia because I had to pick myself back up off the floor after Jeanne Beker said she was mentally wonky.

In deliberations we learn that we have several girls who, in time, will be slated for elimination for being too short to model: Mo and Cori, Sinead. I don't know how they can make judging the most boring, uninteresting part of the show but they do. There's not much to report except the order: Cori, Rebecca, Tia, and Sinead are safe. Tara has the pieces but can't pull it together. Poor Mo, however, delivers "mediocre product" and is eliminated. In one of the most dramatic and emotional displays to date, she crumples to the floor with heartbreaking sobs, and everyone else melts.

Next week: Go-sees and dog photos.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Canada's Next Top Model, Season Two, Episode Four

Stay tuned for Stephanie's recap!

The whole opening house scene boils down to Tia and how she annoys the other girls. Not because she's a twat like Tara, but because she's a wingnut like Jael. Witness her clomp-clomping around, stealing other girl's shoes and yelling, "Rebecca, where the hell did Jesus die?" Clueless.

Jay-Mail tells the girls to "Be the genie", a reference to Jeanne Beker. Oh, the irony! JB is going to teach the girls interviewing skills! And Tonya Harding will teach etiquette, while we're on it. If you read my previous comments you're well aware how I feel about JB's (in)ability to lead a quality interview. Tara gets a few points in my books because she actually drifted off to zzz-land during the "lessons" (to use the word loosely) but her lack of mental attendance is only noticed by the other girls. At the end of the day Tia gets called out by JB for browsing a book they were given, instead of hanging on her every word. JB diagnoses her with attention deficit disorder (ADD), not dyslexia.

Next the girls are introduced to Gina Pugliese, host of "Star Daily", the poor-man's "Entertainment Tonight". They are told they will mock-interview a big celebrity with a list of required questions. The celebrity turns out to be Adamo Ruggiero, who is apparently "known to viewers around the world" as Marco on "wildly successful Degrassi – The Next Generation". Wha…?

The worst performers were Tara, who once again read like a robot, and Rebecca, who brought out the crickets. Tia predicts she will perform like "a bag of douche", but she was merely a mediocre douchette; Gina gives an unremarkable go at it. Cori is openly broken hearted because she found him rude, whereas he apparently comes across as a sweetheart on the show. The best were Sinead "The Tractor", dubbed for her perseverance, and über-determined Mo. Mo gets kudos all round at the time but Sinead is credited with the win, receiving a televised interview and a flat-screen TV. I can't wait for the episode when Sinead gets sent home, and she has to balance her massive TV on top of her luggage as she exits the house. Her televised big break is to interview the designers from Comrags, as part of the 2007 Toronto Fashion Week, and she doesn't suck.

This week's glamour photo shoot takes place at an airplane hanger with photographer Mike Rosenthal, a 2008 CTS Cadillac, a helicopter, and liberal product placements of Pantene and Olay products. Gina produces more mediocrity, as does Tia. Nolé feels Mo is channeling Naomi Campbell and loves it, whereas Sinead is channeling a coma. Nolé also loves Tara, but feels Rebecca over thinks, and starts Cori off on her regular shower of model tear droplets.

Back at the house things quickly break down into perceived insults and hissy fits, It turns into a big "She said, she said" brouhaha, but then MEN show up and everyone is happy again! The hockey team from last episode comes over for drinks and the opportunity to take their shirts off for the camera. Can you say "pale"? Critical mass is attained: more clothes come off, men prance in high heels, everyone crams into the rather small hot tub. Tia reveals herself to be a woo-hoo girl: she yammers something about drinking your own pee, wrestles men to the ground, fakes standing-up-peeing in the bushes, photographs genitalia. The big scandal, however, is that Rebecca kisses a guy, and she has a boyfriend at home. Gasp!

At judging, Jeanne Beker is having conversations with the photos that no one can hear except her. Rebecca, she feels, nails it, because her photo "tells a story" to Miss Beker, but Gina's photo doesn't "speak" at all. Tara's photo is not telling anything interesting to JB, although all the other judges must have heard it because they loved it. Cori cries model tear droplets, again, and I should say I might have too, with Jay, JB and Nolé (via notes) saying you suck, you suck, you suck. Sinead was adequate, while Tia was said to have a bad photo and good attitude. Mo stuns the judges with her photo, apparently because the was touching the bling in the right way. Mo is called up first, followed by Rebecca, Tara, Sinead, Tia. I'm glad Tia is staying because she entertains me like no one else on the show can – not because she has any particular modeling ability. The last two girls are Gina and Cori. Gina may be too commercial, while Cori doubts herself too much Cori, of course, turns on the waterworks. Jay tells her no more tears, but what he should have said was "Stop your fricking crying,girl, or I'll give you something to cry about." Gina goes home.

Next week: The girls learn to work the pole.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Hiatus Episode - Yay!

Between watching porn and getting together with friends, we finally got our shit together and recorded an episode! Unfortunately, Max was still quarantined and Scotty had to work, so it was little ole me, Aaron, Javier, and our friend Vianna (think April Fool's finger giving hotness.)
Enjoy. We miss you guys!
Click here to listen to our twenty-ninth episode
p.s. This is extremely NSFW, and bad for peeps under 18 (They make me say this). But if you're really really bored, click on this.