Tyra Loves the Extra Chromosome

For my impending graduation from UT, Tyra gave me the gift that I have always wanted: a Top Model I hate even more than Naima (C.4). Between this, the renewal of One Tree Hill and the cancellation of Veronica Mars (fuck you, Dawn Ostroff), the CW is on my shit list. The promos promise us a finale full of fun and surprises. Since the Top Model finale never deviates too much, one surprise is that Renee wasn't in the final two. This is kinda shocking, because she seemed to be doing well in the final challenge. The other surprise is that Nata's husband isn't hideous as we thought he would be.

The first part is always the CoverGirl commercial shoot. The commercial also doubles as the winner's first "My Life as a Cover Girl" spot. We have a special guest, CariDee, who apparently decided to become some kinda of flapper slut or the world's fiercest mop. The girls have to ad-lib the words. Every girl has one shitty take and then one great take. Natasha, located after a photo shoot, explains things phonetically. But it can be expected because she is the ESL model. Renee, dressed as a disco ball, is on a boat. I think she talks about how motherhood ruined her life, but Top Model has given her a fresh start or something. Her second take is much better. Jaslene is in the back seat of a car (too easy) and decided to spice it up a little by speaking a little Spanish. Jay calls the move brilliant, which, um, okaaaaaay. But her voice does a lot sound better in Spanish. Her English is the aural equivalent of a steamroller.

In the meantime, the longest day of Caridee's life has finally concluded.

This is a hard decision because no one outright sucked. Natasha has a difficult time smiling. She looks like she's constipated in her photo. Renee looks like she’s a 60 year old woman trying to look 40. Jaslene's photo is not commercial enough, but she did reign in her massive jaw line and for that she is called first. Apparently, Natasha's adaptability is more important that Renee's agedness because Natasha is the second finalist. Tyra hates Tiki Hut Trash. Jaslene is shocked or she loves giving showing us her O-face. I so had Renee and Natasha pegged to be the final two. But Renee does give Natasha some inspiring words about winning it for the mama's. I wish she would have told her that she walks like a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poo hanging out of her ass. Ah well, see ya later, grandma. Don't let the sliding door at Luby's hit your ass on the way out.

In an interview, Jaslene threatens to rip out all of Natasha's hair if she wins. I know this is supposed to make us think that Jas is determined to win and really wants it. But it only makes her seem muy, muy loca. It wit, Natasha did interview that Jaslene is the weakest model because of her photos. They probably won’t be BFFs after this.
We waste no time in jumping to the fashion show. Like last year's "Ghost Bride" debacle, Top Model has another stupid ass theme this year: it’s Encino Model! The first pass, the girls have to walk around the runway acting like primordial man just discovering fashion. I guess they couldn't afford the rights to that song from Space Odyssey. Also, primordial equals stupid head pieces.

Natasha starts off strong with both passes. During her second pass, her dress falls off but it doesn’t faze her. Her fierceness seems to taper off towards the end though. I forgot what Jaslene does, but Tyra says she started off weaker but gained momentum towards the end. The girls close out the shot perched on ladders while vogueing. I am sure Benny Ninja would be proud. Better than last cycle, but not as awesome as the Thailand fashion show or the South African fashion show. (Even if that one begat us fucking Naima.)

At the final panel, it’s pretty obvious that Jaslene is going to take it all. Her face is confident and her hair is better. Also, Natasha looks a little too mopey and a little chunky compared to Jaslene. Also, all the photos that the panel goes thorough (political stance, high school) are all ones the Natasha sucked at. As Jaslene's name is called, Natasha is very congratulatory to Jaslene. In her interview that she is happy to go home and see her family. Even though Tyra hates Rushkie Business, Natasha takes the crown as the classiest girl this cycle. I am sure that she will be fine in the future. (She also loves Texas and that always scores points with me.)
Jaslene is crowned America’s Next Top Model. Being the drag queen/Carmen Miranda/Latina stereotype she has been portrayed as, she of course decides to salsa. Jaslene gives her "inspirational" speech about persevering in the face of adversity or rejection or something. I dunno.

Coming up: We take a well deserved reprieve from this show because I think we are getting kinda sick of it. Peace out, bitches!

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Click here to listen to our twenty-eighth episode

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Thanks to Dominick for the awesome fan art, and thanks to Frank and everyone else for the banners and logos! Keep them coming!

Please mail stuff to us at:
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Please leave us good reviews on iTunes! Thanks to everyone who has already done so! Check out this awesome fan art by Dominick!

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Miss you already,

xoxo,

Aaron, Amy, Javier, Max, and Scotty

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Extra Stuff we make references to in this episode:

Liza!:

Liza Minnelli on Larry King (2006)
Uploaded by RichJuz

Straight guy at gay bathhouse:

Living Dolls:

More fan art. Yay! Sorry for the delayed post of these images. Thanks to Frances, Emma, and

Jawesome article

Heeeeey,

Check out this article about how Natasha was not a mail order bride after all. Damn you Renee for spreading that rumor! Damn you brain for not questioning Renee earlier!

Big hare-lipped kisses,
Elaine

p.s. Here I am attacking the zookeeper's crotch. Yom!

Jaslene's Very Own Pretty Party

Ok ok, I know this is totally copying from fourfour (again), but really, how is it different from anything else we've ever done?

And oh yeah, thanks to fourfour for every single image below.

We start our journey with this:

And continue with these:

Not Jaslene, but too good to pass up:

Well, I'm glad that we ended with this:

Wait, no I'm not. I still say Elaine should have taken the whole thing home:

We'll miss you, Elaine.

You Rape To-ma-to, I Rape To-mah-to

Jazz Hands!

Rape!

Molestastic!

Mail stuff to us at:

America’s Next Top Podcast
6730 Long Drive
Houston, TX 77087

Tyra Hates Wholahay Brown a.k.a. The Girl with the Pearl Necklace

One would think that with the ouster for Brit-brit, the drama factor of ANTM would decrease exponentially. But fear not true-believers, as we have an episode chockfull of bitchery, hypocrisy, schemery, and good ole pain-in-the assery. As the CW promos state, the beautiful [Ha!] become ugly [Too late!]

This week’s first challenge is to use a little body pain and some dancing to tell a story to an Aussie Model and some Aborigines. Dionne does not want to participate because she hates dancing or something. Se can be drenched in ice cream and caramel or made to look like a corpse, but put the girl in body paint and have her move her arms a little and all of a sudden she's modest. I never realized what a complainer that girl is. The others seem to be more into this challenge. Renee tells some origin story of abuse which totally justifies her being a total cunt. I forgot what Jaslene says, because I've learned to tune that girl out when she opens her empanada-hole. Natasha has a winning strategy by whispering her story in an attempt to get people to pay attention. Unfortunately, the plan backfires and nobody hears a damn thing she says. [Maybe it was at that time she revealed the name of her husband.] Renee wins the challenge and her prize is a pearl necklace. [Insert Joke Here]

Since Dionne totally overworked during the day, she decides that the girls need to blow off some steam. Natasha is not feeling too well, so she decides to stay in. Like sharks, the girls sense some menstrual blood and decide to attack Natasha while she's sick. At the bar, Renee leads Twiddle-dumb and Twiddle-dumbass in a round of "We hate Natasha." All the girls agree that she is a fraud with a sketchy marriage situation. While true, being a mail order bride is as sketchy as having a husband who lives on the beach and goes to places for 'business deals." People who live in glass tiki huts shouldn't throw poi, NeNe. While extremely arrogant, Natasha has been edited to be very kind and compassionate to the other girls. She congratulated Jaslene last week when she won the challenge and tried to comfort Brit during her meltdown. During interviews, she's never said anything more cruel or bitchy than Jaslene, Dionne, and especially Renee have said. Remember, just last week Jaslene was talking shit about Renee. And Dionne and Renee aren’t necessarily BFFs. The other girls agree and decide that something needs to be done about Natasha. Gee, I wonder what kind of ingenious plan these half-wits have concocted.

Dionne hopes and prays that this week’s photo shoot won't have dancing in it. Hasn't she ever seen this show before. And when did she become the next Dolores Umbridge with her anti-fun crusade? Top models have to jump through Diana's earrings sized hoops to win this show. You have to look the damn fool to get Tyra to notice show. This week’s photo shoot involves desecrating some indigenous legends. The girls also have to dance. Any-who, she continues to do her angry face until Jay finally coaxes her into doing something decent. Jaslene and Renee do pretty well, it’s obvious that these two will be safe. And then there's Natasha. Last week I mentioned that Natasha who have to take a dump at the photo shoot to land herself in the next bottom two. Well, that would have been more interesting that what she does at the photo shoot. With her illness in full effect, she just stands there. Jay tries to get her to work through the illness, but it does not work.

Renee hopes that Natasha does not use her sickness as an excuse for mediocre photos. While I agree, its no worse that using your infant child as a ploy to garner sympathy from the judges and designers, Renee. After the reading Tyra-mail, Natasha asks what is going to happen tomorrow. The remaining three sarcastically tell her that someone is going home.
At panel, the girls decide to reveal their little McCarthy-esque plot. Tyra asks the girls the question: Who has the most potential and who has the least? For the most potential, all the girls (except Dionne) pick themselves. Renee once again brings up her family, i.e. the fire under her butt. (Um, ewww.) Natasha talks about her strong Eastern features. Dionne picks Jaslene (really!?!) for her fierce poses and Guatemalaness, her primitive 'eat. Dionne not picking her self is one of many stupid things that transpire in the next ten minutes.

For least potential, Renee, Jaslene, and Dionne all pick Natasha, who they care about and respect. Not because she has a similar poses, tends to over pout, or hunch her noses. No, the models think Nata has the least potential because her personality seems fake. Seriously, Natasha's personality seems fake? That's the best they could come up with? That is retarded for several reasons:

1.) They all pick the SAME model and for the SAME reason, which only makes them petty and stupid.
2.) They pick Natasha who the judges clearly like for both her photos (not this week) and her personality. Also, at least Nata was never called out for having no personality (Jaslene) or need to have an intervention because her personality was so rancid (Renee.)
3.) They pick the one girl with the mutant ability to take criticism and metamorph it into a compliment.

So, are we at all surprised when Natasha thanks the other girls for their critiques and hints that maybe the girls might be a tiny bit jealous at all the attention she gets? By dealing with the responses so well, it elevates her with the judges (it actually saves her this week) and makes Renee, Dionne and Jaslene look bad. As for the pictures, Natasha's worst is still on par with the best that Dionne and Jaslene brought. Renee's photo was actually pretty good.
While the judges are deliberating, Natasha tries to ask the girls why they think she's fake. The other's just respond that they think she’s phony and they don't believe what she says. So much for caring and respecting her. Jaslene actually has the hubris (look it up, Jaslene) by getting all defensive that Natasha actually thinks they might be jealous. While all of this is happening, Renee is just smiling in the background. Don't worry, that shit eating grin is soon wiped off from her face.

The judges love they way Natasha handled the critiques. The judges love Renee but she photographs really old. Like Melrose old. Dionne is improving, but is the worst girl left. Tyra is worried that Jaslene wants this too much. Because she is insane. Four girls remain, but Tyra only has three photos. Not surprisingly, Renee and Jaslene get photos. The final two are Dionne and Natasha. Dionne is not improving as they hoped she would and Natasha had a really bad week. Tyra launches into this speech that they don't live in the house and they don't see the drama that unfolds. Maybe Natasha is a fake bitch, or maybe (as she pulls out Natasha’s photo) the rest are just jealous. Tyra even tells us that Natasha's portfolio is better than Dionne’s. (Suck on that, Wholahay!) Natasha, being the classiest girl left, tries to hug Dionne, but Dionne too shocked to even recognize her. Renee is stunned and Jaslene’s jaw practically hits the floor. I am not too sure if they are upset that Dionne was eliminated or that their ingenious plan backfired. Either way, Dionne's portfolio is not that great and she was the correct one to be sent home.

So, our final three are Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee. It’s a toss up. Jaslene and Renee have never been in the bottom two but I think Nata has been called before them more times. I have nightmares of Jaslene's potential My Life as a Cover Girl spots. We already had a reformed bitch win (C.2's Eva Pigford) and we just had a blonde win last time (CariDee). So my fearless prediction is that America's Next Top Model is ... Joanie. She did take the best picture all season.

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Click here to listen to our twenty-seventh episode
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Tyra hates Taxicab Tantrums

And we're back. Previously, everyone else was eliminated, Dionne went all ape shit on Renee and Natasha tried on some black face. This week, we find the girls back from Jael's elimination. She has left the girls letters (probably scrawled in crayon). To Brit, she mentions something that she would have gladly been eliminated to allow Brit-brit to stay. Awww, that’s really sweet. Even someone with Jael's awesome intellect can tell within the first 30 seconds that Brittany is either 1) Be over dramatic, annoy everyone but totally rock the photo shoot or 2) Be over dramatic, annoy everyone and get her ass booted. This week, it’s a little bit of both.

Dionne, who herself is not having the best of weeks, calls Brit on her memory bullshit recalling that Brit was able to remember all her lines for the Pedro challenge. Everyone is sick and tired of Brit blaming all of her problems on thing such as car accidents, horrible weaves, evil ducks, and as we'll soon discover, a vast web of taxi drivers who have it against her.

This week is the Go See episode, where the models pimp themselves out to prospective clients and see how they can manage in the real world. This is also a time challenge and those who do not make it back will be disqualified. Every year, this happens to one person and I wonder who it's going to happen to this year. (Remember Thailand where no one made it back on time. Those were the days.) Based on the "loser" theme that plays, its obvious that Brittany is not going to make it back on time. It wouldn't have mattered because she pretty much sucked at all of her go sees with her horrible walk and her non-personality. Didn't she remember that she won the high school runway challenge. Oh wait, she didn't. Renee decided to pander to a recent mother and slips in some pics of her weird looking offspring. Jaslene seems to impress the designers. Dionne thinks "Go See" is Aussie slang for "free shit." I am not sure how Natasha did, because she was also late and eliminated. Even though she was a little cross, she was a class act compared to the meltdown that Brit had when she didn't make it on time. Basically, Brit was that one girl who every cycle thinks that she can squeeze one last go see in and she tells her driver that she is going somewhere. Since her cab drive wasn't bulimic, i.e. able to read minds, he just stays put. This, of course makes her late, and she proceeds to have a HISSY FIT outside the modeling agency. Natasha (who is kinda awesome in this episode) tries to console her and Brit puts ALL the blame on the cab driver. It was at this point where that bitch is dead to me. She is so loud and obnoxious, that she even interrupts the model-lady announce that Jaslene is the challenge winner. The prize is a photo shoot with Nigel. Woo hoo!

You know how Tyra is always stressing the difference between men's magazines and women's magazines. (Hunch back = women, straight back = men. Legs together = Vogue, Legs apart = Maxim). This week, she decided to make a photo shoot around it. The girls will take two photos this week. The first will be soft and ethereal bikini shots shot by Tyra herself. Never mind the girls are half naked and with paired with a hunky male model. The second is a glossy, whored-up version shot, with a bikini and a hunky male model. No one does spectacularly bad this week. Jaslene takes a while to finally get going. Natasha gets excited as usual. Dionne needs to be told what to do. Renee and Brit are also there, but I forgot how they did. Renee does look pretty good with the weave though.

I don't know if this will amount to anything, but before panel, Jaslene interviews that she wants Renee gone since she is only interested in modeling because of the money.

This week’s guest judge is model-lady. Most of the girls take good shots. Dionne's are pretty "meh" and she is struggling with her facial poses. When prompted to whip out three different poses, she goes all mean, mean, and hood. Natasha's pouty face finally becomes an advantage, but she needs to be more versatile. Renee is lauded for something called a "toot push" but is in danger of being "too commercial." Jaslene really connects with the camera and has her first strong showing in weeks. Brit takes some really great shots, but is also a hysterical mess and to make matters worse, none of the designers would have booked her at Go Sees. Twiggy condescendingly asks her is she was a wreck in front of the designers. (Which was awesome!)

After a little math lesson from Tyra, Dionne and Brit are the bottom two. Dionne gets another opportunity to mooch some freebies on some poor unsuspecting designer. And Brit is sent back. Hopefully, she won't remember that she was eliminated and shows up to the next photo shoot, only to be rejected once again.

Next week: Natasha gets the sniffles and we learn how Renee gets her bitch back.

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Click here to listen to our twenty-sixth episode
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Sorry it's been so long guys! We'll try to be better next time. Still love us?
If you do, please leave us many good reviews on iTunes! If you don't, please still leave us many good reviews on iTunes!

Love you like a Sylar,
Amy, Aaron, Javier, Max, and Scotty

Still having problems

Our technical support still has not come through. Sigh. Sorry people. Here's some fan art to keep you entertained for now.

Nothing to do with ANTM

Ok, I know this has nothing to do with ANTM, but a friend of a friend of mine is moving and can't bring her cat with her. If anyone is interested in adopting this healthy friendly kitty (esp if you're in the Houston area) please please contact these people. You can get more information at their website http://dkthecat.com/

I'm officially a crazy cat lady. I've come to terms with it now.

xoxo,

Amy

Ahhhh...bucket.

We're back! Almost. We will record some time this week, so don't you worry your pretty little heads about it! We've missed you so much! In the meantime, here's something to keep you busy:

Check out more awesome images like these here.

xoxo,

Aaron, Amy, Javier, Max, and Scotty