Tyzilla!!! (and co.)

Last time, Anchal was sent to the Celebrity Fit Club. The newly cholesterol free house allows the girls to let their hair down and confess secrets in the ubiquitous hot tub. We learn Michelle has not kissed a boy since she was ten and she does not know what she wants to be, i.e. model or non-model. Which we all know is code for l.u.g. or sapphic sister. We also find out that both Jaeda and Caridee have boyfriends. Gee, I wonder if there is anything else about Caridee that we didn't know. Hmmm.

This week is all about acting or on this show: "acting." Of course, we are treated to a montage of Tyra's previous attempts at "acting." I guess they could not get the rights to use her stint on Fresh Prince or her pivotal role as victim #8 on Halloween: Resurrection. Things go from painful to creepy pretty quickly. One exercise has the girls spilling their guts (or taking a dump as the exercise is called) about their secret fears or whatever. Melrose' turn was bad enough (even though the other girls' gape-mouthed faces are a treat to behold). But it's when Caridee blurts out that she once attempted suicide when the fun really ends. While tragic, it's always uncomfortable when shit like this happens. I also wonder why Michelle is the only one who comforts her.

After Caridee returns, the girls participate in this week's challenge. They have to use their new found "acting" skills to make an old timey silent movie. (Apparently, someone from the present informed someone in the past how we would feel about Melrose. Thanks, Hiro.) The girls "act." Some suck. Some don't. There's a bestiality reference. Caridee wins. Her prize is a guest role on One Tree Hill (Wednesdays at 9PM on the CW) which is a colossal step down from Veronica Mars. Unlike the rest of the crap on the CW, Veronica Mars is actually good. I also saw part of Caridee's acting debut and she looked a lot like a swap-meet version of Rebecca Romijn. I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

On this week's "My Life as a Cover Girl," some asshole script writer makes Dani(elle) say Lash Exact three times really fast.

If you are one of the few brain trusts who did not guess this cycle's destination, the answer is Barcelona, the fashion capital of … um … Spain . As the girls disembark from their poorly CGI'ed plane, they discover that the next shoot will involve unattractive male models who each bestow cheap souvenirs upon the girls. At dinner, we learn that Jaeda's partner is not into the swirl, which really irks her. As if the girl needed any more problems. He wasn't that hot to begin with. Tyra's advice is to make him love black girls because Mama Tyra always says: "Once you go black…"

This week is the Secret Deodorant commercial. This year's twist is that the commercial is in Catalan and that the girls have to kiss the models. Michelle and Jaeda predictably wig out since they seemed so turned off by boys and racism. Hijinks and language butchery ensue.

Like last week's lame ass space photo, there is no middle ground. The girls are either good (Melrose and Eugena!) or horrendous (Amanda, Michelle, Jaeda, and Caridee) The judges let the losers have it, especially Caridee, which I think is total bullshit, since they also shot the commercial in English and all the girls seemed fine then. During panel, Melrose informs the judges that she stayed up two extra hours studying her lines. This pisses off Eugena and Amanda enough to call her out on it while the judges deliberate. In defense of Melrose (which is rare) it did not seem as malicious as the girls make it out to be. It's actually pretty much expected from her at this point. (Plus, she totally gets brownie points this week for trying to cheer up Jaeda.) Melrose skulks off and the viewers are left to wonder what really happened because this narrative thread is dropped. Thanks, new editors.

Six beautiful girls stand before the panel. Melrose and Eugena get their shots first. Tyra and company are just as surprised as we are by a suddenly resurgent Eugena. Amanda and Michelle polarize the judges, but they are both safe. I totally thought Michelle would be in the bottom two again, since she was getting the loser edit. This week's bottom two are Jaeda and Caridee. At this point, we all know that Jaeda is going home because not even Tyrant is cruel enough to dump a formerly suicidal front runner.

Jaeda is finally put out to stud where she can grow back her mane and frolic with the football team like she used to. I know that Jaeda was edited to be kinda whiny about her hair cut, but according to Brooke (who is totally awesome for allowing herself to be interviewed and agreeing to be my new BFF,) Jaeda was awesome and funny. As evidenced by the CoverGirl of the Week spot, Jaeda can be quite a looker with long hair and smokey eye makeup.

Next week: The fun continues with a sweet looking matador shoot, and Caridee gives the photographer some lip. Good thing she's got enough to spare.